The Ocean Wanted A Kiss

Chapter six:

The bitter part of saying goodbye to someone is that you never know if you're going to say hello again or not.

I lay my back down on the sandy shore to let the fragmented particles of the sand tangle with my long thin hair and warm body. I watch the saturated sun going down in the ocean with the sky colored in every warm toned color that would just blow your mind—is my favorite scene of the day. I would drive miles just to experience this spectacular view.

Sitting by the ocean, I realized that this is home. That's where I run to when everything falls apart. That's where I find serenity, tranquility and peace of mind. My life is like the ocean; the waves suddenly hit the static sea.

Unimaginable depth of the blue ocean and wonderous aquatic creatures of God's great creation. The ocean sand is gentle on my feet and floats through my hands. Amazing wonders, you can't quite ponder. It's blue, amazing, tranquil and beyond beautiful. It's filled with memories, tarnished with untold tragedies.

The thoughts begin colliding in my mind, so I close my eyes where the darkness I see just matches the darkness there inside my mind. The contempt that the nasty James hold for me is totally pure to lure him into punching me in the face. It was far from an adult legitimate manner. It was stupid to not stand for myself against him and just do anything, but instead, I accepted for despair and left the house... like it would affect them!

The complete saturated indifference and disregard mom showed didn't just break me, no it grew hatred inside me towards her. Such a bleak dismissive woman who brought children to life, just to make them feel like shit.

Maybe it was you. Your passivity made you an invisible void in her life.

She can't blame me for my passivity, she's one of the reasons I'm passive and inactive.

I hate that when everything falls apart, I'd always refuge to the sandy shore, all by myself, either hitting a cigarette against my lips or staying numb and silent. I know there's something missing in my life, it just feels incomplete. Everything and everyone is poking me straight in the back, and maybe I'm in need to someone to take care of the bruises. I can't do it all alone.

Did I just say I'm in need for someone?

Yes, you did.

No no that can't be true. I don't need someone. I've been roaming in the streets for a week now and no I don't need help.

You maybe need a friend.

I— surely —don't need a friend. I'm doing fine and I'm not letting anyone break me again.

You're already broken, pathetic.

Yeah, guess I am...

But I'm just scared to get too close to anyone anymore, because everyone who promised would stay turned their back on me and walked away.

You are afraid, so what about being stronger and beating your fears?

I won't get any stronger, I'll end up like the stinky loser I am.

That voice— voice of reason —inside my head doesn't stop screaming, so loud that it hurts. I spent two years telling myself that I was getting better but I'm not better and I don't think I can handle this by myself anymore.

I'm just tired, and it is awfully difficult to feel sad and tired when all you want is to feel alive.

"I knew I'd find you here." A familiar coarse voice rips me out of my thoughts and forces me to get up.

"Hi," I give an annoyed sigh. "What's the matter again?" I deadly glare at him, if looks can really kill...

"I think you have to answer your sister's calls, sweetheart." Arthur says with a wicked smirk on his face. In fact, Rebecca has left me like thousands of texts and voicemails but I didn't bother much to answer her. She'd give me the you-should-respect-your-mother-and-apologize-to-her-even-though-she-hurt-you-but-she's-still-your-mother soliloquy which I'm not willing to hear. Yet.