The Sinful boy - Sequel to Fanboy // Seoksoo [completed]

4

I stayed at home four days, listening my mom's nagging and my father's yelling, telling me how wrong I did. I didn't say anything, feeling emptier than ever. The horrible feeling took over me. I didn't want to eat, I just wanted to throw up. I wanted to cry but it hurted to even think about crying. My whole body was weak as I shook. I couldn't get any sleep even when I was tired. It felt bad. I thought a lot of negative things.

I don't deserve happiness.

I might just die as well.

Seokmin doesn't love me, he pities me.

God hates me.

I'm dirty child.

All those seemed to be true. I wanted to talk to someone, but I was too scared. Seokmin might hate me. Jeonghan was hanging with his new crush probably. I don't know others that well so that I could talk with them.

I didn't even read my messages but I didn't even want to.

"Joshua, sweetie?" my mother asked me, but I didn't move a muscle, staring at the window. "I'm worried about you. First you get beat up, then you think you love a boy and then this. We are going to take you to doctor."

I was mute.

"You are just sick", she said.

I'm sick; I'm not pure.

I'm sick because I love Seokmin.

"I.. I want Seokmin..".

"No you don't! Stop saying that, it disguist me".

So I didn't say it anymore.

They took me to doctor, who said it was depression or something and he gave me pills. Pills, with side effects. The first one was awful. It made me really tired. The second one was okay, but the first time I almost threw it up. The third was the worst. It made me paranoid. It made me feel like everything is against me, I couldn't trust anyone and everything was just so unfair.

I took the pills everyday. Overdose sounded nice when I took the third pill but I was still too scared to kill myself. I was weak even in that.

I sat on the corner of my room once again when I heard my phone beeping. A message. It made another sound. And another. I got carefully up and went to the phone seeing it was Seokmin.

158 messages from Seokmin.

The first message is from days ago, when my mom sent him out of the house. The following texts are all the same. Almost.

sunflower: shua
sunflower: baby
sunflower: i love you remember that
sunflower: i love you so much
sunflower: im so worried
sunflower: baby what are you doing
sunflower: istg jisoo are you okay??
sunflower: please answer...
sunflower: babyyy
sunflower: im begging you to be safe
sunflower: im sorry babe
sunflower: fuck your mom
sunflower: i want to hold you again...
sunflower: you are mine baby
sunflower: do you love me?

It felt horrible knowing how worried Seokmin has been about me. Last texts broke me into tears.

sunflower: look i dont care if you dont want to see me anymore or even can but i just want to know that you are okay
sunflower: i could give my everything to you, just talk to me. tell me what is going on
sunflower: joshua i love you

jisooschrist: minnie
jisooschrist: im sorry
jisooschrist: sosososososo sorry
jisooschrist: can we call.. i want to talk with you.. i miss your voice.. please..

We ended up talking at phone almost five hours and I told him everything from my parents to my pills. He was there for me. He promised that he would help when I needed help.

Couple of days went by and I was watching TV alone in the apartment. It was S.coups, the one Jeonghan adores. The rapper talked about his sexuality, and Jeonghan.

Wait, he means my Jeonghan??

I was so confused, but it turned out that Jeonghan and S.coups were a thing. Good for them, I thought and decided that I could visit Jeonghan, since we haven't seen in a long time.

My mood has become better only because Seokmin and I started to talk. The pills weren't shit. I still took them. It was a habit now. So before I left from my house I took the pills feeling little dizziness. Did I took them already today? I didn't remember.

I shouldn't take them like that, what a pill addict I became.

I stopped on the entrace of my room and realised; I took too many pills from the same bottle. I already took four of those pills that got me tired today. My head started to spin around and my sight came blurry. "Seok.. Min..", I remember falling down to the ground, to sleep.

When I woke up, I was still on the same floor. I got up looking at the clock, it was the next day already, morning. "What the fuck..", that was actualky the first time i sweared. I wasn't thinking straight, seeing illusions everywhere. I thought I saw Seokmin. He told me to eat my pills so I ate them. I took all of the three. It made me feel sick. "You are not real, Seokmin. You are not real."

"Remember what you were doing? Go meet Jeonghan, your best friend. He might have left you behind though, having someone better. He is with S.coups now and won't remember you anymore", his voice echoed in my head. Later thinking it was the most weirdest thing that have happened to me.

So I went to Jeonghan's house seeing someone has broke the window class and there was no soul inside. He must have been with Seungcheol and I don't even remember how I got into his house. How did I know the address? I don't remember. I don't remember what we talked about there, but it was something really mean.

I'm sorry Jeonghan.

I felt Seungcheol choking me and it hurt. Not as much as my inside darkness but hurt still. I ran away from there and the next time my head was clear was when I saw mysekf in my room corner crying again.

It was so weird. Like in a dream, but it was real. I think. At least I got bruises in my neck and remember hurtful things I said and Jeonghan said.

I'm so mean. I'm crazy.