If I Could I Would [boyxboy]

Chapter Five

I could have sworn my heart was in my stomach. If it was then the acid turning my mind to mush has found its source.

I watched him walk around acting normal like he hasn’t affected my whole existence. He runs his hands through his dirty blonde hair during biology and I swear I can smell his shampoo. It’s probably mine, but I do wish it was his.

NO! This is not fair. No I don’t like him! I like girls, girls with nice butts and boobs.

… He has a nice butt though… OH man this is getting worse!

I shoot up knowing no other way out and declare “can I got to the bathroom?”

Everyone stares at me but it’s not just me. They seem to be looking behind me as well. And at that moment I just know.

He was standing up as well. “Yeah, me too.” He sputters with less enthusiasm.

My heart is beating and I want to take this moment back, but I’ve made too much of a scene to go back now!

With a voice of question Mr. Taylor say’s “yeah…”

We walk and I had hoped he would go to a different direction, but of course my way was his way.

“Why are you following me?” I say, “I’m going to the washroom so relax. You’ve been acting hella weird since I accidently touched your hand.” He says this with that voice that makes every cell in my body tingle with anticipation. “Was it an accident? ‘cuz I can’t deal with that gay shit!” the words come out like venom burning my tongue. When I finally look up he has stopped walking and looks so hurt. I automatically regret the word, but make no effort to take them back. “Gay shit? Really? Ok…. Whatever you say.” he says this running his hand once again through his hair.  

He looked more annoyed than hurt, or was it anger? I hope he doesn’t hate me. Though all these thoughts run through my head, I just watch him walk back. My every beans urges me to run after him and apologize, but all I do is watch.

Just watch.

I get back to class after taking some needed time in the washroom. The thing I hate about walking into class when the teacher is teaching is the fact that everyone looks at you and watches you all the way to your seat. The worst part is when they do that it makes me feels like they also know what just occurred.

I try to pay attention in class but I just can’t. His face is burned into my eyes. I try to assess his emotions but mine keep getting in the way!

So I do it! I turn my head slightly and see his face concentrated on what is on the board. I feel like he can see me but won’t look this way.

Matt shocks me out of this state by telling me the time. He does this because just beyond Austin’s hair is the clock. I say “thanks,” glad he didn’t see where I was actually looking and go back to what I was doing.

English was after lunch and I was dreading it. It was worse when Austin sat with his new friends, because Vienna and Matt kept asking what they did to make him not like them. Funny enough it was me, not them. I make up some half-assed excuse about him being a social butterfly. They believe it and go on.

“So what’s up with you?” Vienna says like she hasn’t seen me in forever. I say “nothing school, life, you know the normal sad life list.” She laughs her angelic laugh that should melt me, but it just warms my heart. Matt on the other hand say’s “what about the ladies, I never see you with any babes nowadays.” I say “they just can’t seem to appreciate my amazingness yet, one day.” We all are laughing and everything feels like normal. That’s the exact moment the lunch bells rings and my fears are resurfaced.