Maneuvering Landmines (Converted Camren)

3/14

The night before eighth grade started, Lauren woke up in the middle of the night to Camila's soft whimpers and quiet crying.

She crawled out of bed and made her way easily to Camila's bed-- she didn't even need to see, she just kind of knew the path by heart. She didn't need to worry about bumping into furniture or stubbing her toe on anything. She climbed into Camila's bed.

"Camila," she said quietly, shaking her. "Camila, wake up."

Camila continued to whimper and cry out softly and Lauren continued to shake her until Camila sucked in a deep breath and awoke with a gagged cry. She curled onto her side and cried quietly. It was quiet for a few minutes while Camila pressed her hands over her mouth to muffle her cries. It took a few more minutes after for Camila to take a few calming breaths.

"You okay?" Lauren asked when she felt some of the tension leave Camila's body.

Camila's voice was rough. "Sorry," she croaked out.

"It's okay."

"Go back to sleep."

"I will," Lauren said. "After you do."

"I'm okay."

"I know," Lauren said.

She didn't think Camila was okay, no matter how much Camila claimed she was, but Lauren always pretended to believe her. She kissed Camila on the nose and hugged her, just like she had since they were seven. They did this at least a couple nights a week, frequently more when it was March and came close the anniversary of Camila's parents deaths. Camila didn't even like celebrating her birthday because her birthday and the death anniversary were so close together.

"This is our secret, right?" Camila asked quietly. "You won't ever tell?"

"It's our secret," Lauren affirmed solemnly. "I just...why does it have to be?"

She never understood why Camila seemed so insistent on keeping it a secret-- but it seemed so important to Camila, and so Lauren just promised without thinking.

"It just does. No one likes a crybaby," Camila said softly.

How often had Camila said that to her over the years? Lauren lost count.

Lauren held her tightly. "You aren't a crybaby."

Lauren lost count of the number of times she'd needed to reassure Camila of that.

Camila sniffled. "I feel better, you can go back to your bed."

"I'm where I want to be."

And it was the truth, she was exactly where she wanted to be.

"I'm where I want to be, too," Camila said softly.

Lauren buried her face into Camila's neck and inhaled deeply, her nose tickling Camila's neck. Camila's scent was just so familiar to her, but each time she breathed Camila in, it made her stomach twist like it was going to be the first and last time.

Camila chuckled softly. "Silly," she said. "That tickles."

Lauren wanted to hold on, but Camila was squirming. Lauren pulled her head up and brushed her lips against Camila's forehead. "I love you, Camz. I'll always be here for you."

Camila smiled. "I know that," she murmured. "And I'll always be here for you, too. I'm Tweedle Dumb and you're Tweedle Dumber, so that makes us a set."

"Yeah," Lauren said softly.

But she knew now that what she felt for Camila was something she wasn't supposed to feel for a sister, because she didn't want to kiss Camila on the forehead or on the nose or the cheek. She wanted to kiss Camila on the mouth and people didn't want to kiss their sisters on the mouth. She wanted more from Camila than just this.