Into The Shadows

Twenty

 I had finished work early the next day and decided to buy lunch for myself and Suga on my way home, I thought it would be a nice treat after he had eaten cup ramen for lunch for nearly a week while I was working.

I set the food on the table before making my way to my bedroom to change into some more casual clothes than the suit I had worn to my meeting in the morning. I had expected that Suga would be in his room either sleeping, watching movies, or playing games. I was wrong, much to my own dismay.

As I walked through the door that lead into my bedroom I saw the boy standing at my dresser rifling through my pictures of Hwayoung

"What are you doing in here?" I snapped, crossing the room and grabbing the boy's shoulders and spinning him to face me. I could see the fear in his eyes, and it both thrilled and disgusted me.

Much to my own surprise I was angry, but I didn't want to torment him. I didn't even want to look at him. I suppose that was what complete disgust and exhaustion felt like.

I let go of his shoulders sending him stumbling backwards, causing him to hit his head on the wall which likely gave him a minor concussion, and left him in a loopy state of half-consciousness. I decided to take him back to his own room, it would be better for him to wake up there than here after all, and I certainly didn't want or need him in my space.

I half-dragged, half-carried him through the bathroom to his bedroom, where I dropped him on the floor by his bed. I wasn't going to the effort of making him comfortable after he betrayed my trust. I then sat against the wall waiting for him to regain complete consciousness, after all I couldn't just let him die, no matter how angry I was.

It didn't take long for him to come to, attempting to raise his head off the floor and get a look at his surroundings. He was obviously in pain, but I had no sympathy for him.

"You broke my trust," I spat, "How dare you go through my things. I thought we had an understanding. I guess I was mistaken."

He whispered a weak apology, which was hilarious to me after seeing the way he had violated my trust without a second thought.

"The door to your room and the door from the bathroom into my room lock from the outside." I stated. The threat seemed obvious enough. I stood to leave, locking the door behind me, effectively taking away the freedom I had given him.

I walked back into my own room, and locked the door from the bathroom before rearranging the pictures Suga had dropped haphazardly across my dresser when I'd startled him. While I was organizing them I reminisced about all the memories they contained.

I remembered holidays with my brother and Hwayoung and how happy they had been together, and how jealous I had been. I remembered when their baby was born, seeing the three as a family, happy without me, and I felt even more like an outsider than ever before. I'd still loved Hwayoung. I still do, and I think that's what cause me to isolate myself. It was as if they never noticed.

After she died my brother took the baby and moved to another city. He let me keep the house, and he knew I had nowhere else to go. I was fine being alone for the first few months, but then it got lonely. I didn't want my brother to come back, I didn't need him, and the baby had been far too loud. I wanted Hwayoung to come back, even knowing that she wasn't who I thought she was, and that she had kept a secret from me, I missed her and I wanted to turn back time to when she was still here.

I spent long hours alone, and those long hours allowed me to think. Hours of mindless entertainment and staring into oblivion left my mind to wonder. I thought about many things, most thoughts fleeting across my mind for no longer than two or three seconds. The most prominent thoughts I had, though, were ones with Hwayoung as the subject. Memories, could-have-beens, but most importantly, the circumstances surrounding her death.

No matter what she had done in her life she was still the one person who truly understood me, and I still needed to complete the task I had started.