Dear Fuckboi: A TomTord Satire

attempted third degree murder

Dear Tom,

Reasons 4-6

4. Honestly, I have to say your smile again. It's just that bad. When you smile, an angel loses its wings.

5. Your entire personality. It's just so edgy and angsty. You are the living embodiment of "It's not a phase, mom!"

6. Your sense of fashion. It only adds to the previous point. Can't you just wear a hoodie and jeans like everyone else in this universe?

                   Sleep with an eye open tonight,

                                                              F.B.

Tom couldn't help but smirk and nod his head. He could almost hear the angel falling as its wings disappeared.

Once again, the paper was crusty and wet-looking. Tom has used gloves to open this one. He had a feeling he knew what that liquid was.

You see, Tom's a fucking moron. Hurr durr, who could have those initials? Who hates him this much? He may never know.

Tom was sitting on the cliff at the random fucking jungle in London. Apparently nobody else had ever found this spot, cause nobody was ever there. He and Tord were sitting together, waiting to see who would push who off first.

Once again, Tord was in more women's clothing. Was there something he wasn't telling Tom? Was he hiding some... feelings deep down? Anyways, Tord was singing the song "Welcome the the Black Parade".

"Should I change your name to Crazy-Obsessive-Bitch now?"

Tom scowled and his face heated up. He wasn't being obsessive, was he?

"Are you jealous or something? You seem obsessed with me being obsessed over this," Tom said. I think he said this, because in the real story, there aren't any fucking dialogue tags, so I can't tell who's talking half the time. This is another reason why Dear Starboy is poorly written.

"No, I'm just plotting your death. And mine at the same time. I don't want this rando to get to you first."

Tom sighed and stood up. He was ready to leave this hellhole of a place and this hellhole of a person. Tord stood up, too, because he acted like a lost puppy and followed Tom everywhere. Tom got off the cliff, and Tord struck a t-pose near the edge, like he was about to fall off. He started to hum the Halo theme.

Tom scoffed at that, because he thought of himself as the most mature person in the world. His parents were lame and just didn't understand. Tord, however, was like a toddler. He was walking towards Tom, still t-posing.

Tom couldn't take it anymore. He did the impossible: whistled with his forefinger and thumb. Like, how the hell do people do that?! It's like a really lame superpower.

Tord, being the fucking pussy he is, was startled out of t-posing. In anger, he jumped at Tom, making the two boys fall into the freezing water. The boys sank like stones for some reason, and Tord gripped at Tom's throat, pushing him deeper into the water.

Tom clawed and kicked at the boy who was strangling him and drowning him at the same time. He thrust an arm up and hit Tord square in the chin, freeing him from his grasp. Tom scrambled to the surface as though he were running through the water.

Tom dragged himself out of the water, and looked behind him. No Tord. Good. He started to walk away when the other boy surfaced as well, dragging himself to land and flopping onto his stomach. Tord opened his mouth, and water spilled out. His watery coughs were fucking gross.

"You almost drowned me!" Tord yelled.

Tom stood there, shocked. "I almost drowned you?! What about you tearing at my throat?!"

"It would have been painless! You socked me in the jaw, though!"

"In self defense! I wasn't even trying to get you killed!"

The two were out of breath from their near-death experience. They were soaked and growing cold. Tom huffed and turned to leave. Tord followed. Their clothing clung to their bodies, and their stylized hair both fell on their shoulders like a normal human's hair should.

Tom sighed a tired sigh. Every few seconds one of the boys would cough, sometimes ejecting a few drops of water from their systems.

"I nearly drowned," Tord stated.

"Yeah no shit Sherlock. What else have you figured out? That I fucking hate your guts?"

"You didn't even try to help, dude."

"Help? I'm not gonna help the person who tried to drown me."

"I almost died. Sweet," Tord said to himself aloud. Tom ignored him.

The two teens continued to walk home.

"I wish our route were different. Walking like this is weird," Tord said.

Tom hummed in agreement. Making conversation with his enemy was weird.

"I should just ask you to kill me. It'd be better than living next to you, Pussybitch."

"Give me a time, a place, and a method, and I'll do it."

"Thanks. Now I know I have an escape that would involve me dying and you going to jail for murder. A win-win," Tord said and nodded to himself.

"We should plan our deaths. And everything to do before then."

"So a bucket list? A hatred bucket list?"

"Yep."

Tord yawned, and mentioned that he was sleepy. He eyed Tom's back. A piggy-back ride would be nice, even if Tom was shorter than Tord. Well, his hair made him look taller. He nudged Tom with his elbow. Tom looked at him, then put some distance between him and Tord.

"We still have a ways to go before you can have mommy tuck you in, shithead."