Dear Fuckboi: A TomTord Satire

the norwegian pussy

A monstrosity of a fic by me, SlytherAce and others

Once again, credit to original author for the plot n stuff. This is just a silly parody of a fanfiction that gets taken way too seriously sometimes.

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"Tom! Wake your dumbass up! The neighbors and their disabled son move in today!"

Tom frowned and flung himself from his greasy, semen-stained checkered bed sheets. New neighbors? Weak shit. He couldn't care less. Why he had to be torn from his wet dream, he had no idea. These dumbasses would only get in his way in the future.

Tom was just an average dude, ya know?

Awkward erections, acne, self-diagnosed depression, and 4Chan shitposting.

You know, the usual.

He picked up a plain hoodie from the ground. It reeked of sweat, but he couldn't care less. He opened his window, hoping to spy on the other neighbor's hot daughter in their yard, but was instead met with chilly air and a pedophile van. The new house was incredibly close to his. Like, that had to be a fire hazard or something.

He grabbed his headphones and put on some fine tunage, bopping his head to the beat.

Uh, open up the potions, pop!

It's my mine come on, mine it up!

Hear a hiss behind the door and the night begins

Creepers done this before, I never let 'em in

Pack up your inventory, 'n' we can go out

Tom copied some dance moves from his favorite game, Fortnite, as he sang along.

Bring some extra food so that you don't starve

Sometimes you forget torches

And you gotta bring your pickaxe

Yeah, you know where we goin'

Sometimes you forget torches

His favorite move was always Orange Justice.

Welcome to my mine, we are mining diamonds

We ain't gotta strip mine

We don't have to fight mobs

Welcome to my mine

Play that noteblock nicely

Show me all those emeralds

We don't gotta dodge lava

Welcome to my mine, welcome to my mine...

Tom suddenly stopped, hearing someone sing. That bitch was stealing the spotlight!

He spun back to the window, quieting and watching someone intrude on his private minecraft song time. There was a cat on his softboy™ colored windowsill. He just stared at it. Tom didn't own a cat. He looked the cat in the eyes.

"You better shut the hell up before I kick you into the sun."

A horrid, hillbilly laugh assaulted Tom's ears. When he looked through the window, he saw some dumbass looking back at him. Must be the disabled kid.

The boy had caramel brown hair in the shape of two dicks. He had a crown of disgusting brown grass. It looked like it smelled like shit. He had a pussy pink sweater on over a white button up. Finally, he wore plastic gems around his neck, like he just stole some craft items from the store. Tom could smell the boy through the window, and it was not a pleasant smell.

He looked fucking gross, but the worst parts were his eyes.

A dead-human gray eye and a period blood-red eye.

He was still making those laughs that sounded like he was choking on air. It was almost enough to make Tom gag. The boy wiped a tear from his eye and calmed down.

"God, you're pathetic."

"Excuse me?"

"Cats can't talk, moron. That was my voice."

"Oh. You suck at singing, by the way."

"You too, pussy bitch."

"Pussy bitch?"

Tom raised an eyebrow at the low effort name. Really? Was that really what he was gonna be stuck with for the rest of this shitty book?

"I'm Tord. Your new neighbor, friend, possible sex slave, comrade, pal." He held out his hand from Tom to shake it.

Tom reached out to take Tord's hand. It was greasy, like he had just been spankin' his monkey moments before. It felt all lubed up. Tom withdrew his hand and wiped it on his shirt.

"I'm Tom. I hate people, like any edgy twelve year old. Don't expect me to throw rocks at your window and read poems of love to you."

Tord blanked out, looking like he wanted to fucking kill himself.

"Aw, I thought we could make out behind the Denny's."

"I'd rather go to school for the rest of my life than see your dumb ass again."

Tord laughed that hideous laugh again.

"You were literally talking to a cat earlier. I think you need special ed classes."

"I wasn't aware that you existed, and I wish it had stayed that way."

The two stared at each other for a long moment, before Tord's mommy called him down for his chicken tendies. A bright smile arose on Tord's face. He had spent all his Good Boy Points on those tendies.

"Gotta go get my tendies. We can talk later."

"Cause you have nobody else to bother with you idiocy?"

"Yeah, I'm a fucking loser."

"I'll probably be dead by the time you come back."

"Until then, Pussybitch."

"Until then."