Dear Fuckboi: A TomTord Satire

hairy pussy

Tom kept receiving the mysterious letters. Every single letter held an insult, and each was more awful and nit-picky than the last, like:

12. You're so arrogant. Maybe your hair would finally be affected by gravity if you came down from that horse of yours.

Or

8. How you watch kissing prank videos, wishing you could kiss random girls, when you know nobody will ever voluntarily kiss you.

Tom had begun to collect these scraps of paper in an old shoebox of his. Thankfully, this one hadn't become victim to his cumbox experiments, where he attempted to fill entire boxes with his semen. Tord was the one who had suggested keeping the letters.

"You should keep them. They'll probably be the closest thing you ever get to having someone care about you."

Tom kicked the box back under his bed, being careful not to touch his secret fleshlights. Tord sat on his windowsill, eating potato chips with his mouth open, and crunching them as loud as he could.

Tord made the occasional wet smack, infuriating Tom to no end. It was the worst sound a person could make. Tord laughed at Tom's disgusted expression and watched as a bird took off, no doubt scared of Tord's awful laugh.

"Hey," Tord said.

Tom snapped his head around and glared at the other boy.

"What." It was not a question, but a demand to know what Tord wanted.

Tord started to chew loudly again, this time with a knowing grin on his face. Tom fought the urge to pull him out of his little window.

Tord chuckled, then said, "My mommy wants me to at least try to get a job. She says that that would be preferable to living with her for the rest of my life."

"What were you thinking of? Gay porn star? Oh, whoops, you actually have to be kinda attractive for that job. Ooh, fast food employee? No, you have to have a functioning brain for that one..."

"No, I was thinking... I want to be one of the people who design emojis for phones and stuff."

"Again with the emojis," Tom sighed. "I guess it's kind of your calling."

Tord nodded, deep in thought. He picked up an emoji mug. This wasn't an Emoji Movie mug, just one with default emojis on it. Tord took a small sip and hummed. Tom would have rolled his eyes if he had a pair. Or perhaps he does, but they're all pupil. So, it would be really hard to tell if he were rolling them.

"Want some?" Tord asked.

"It's probably drugged. I'm not taking any chances."

"It's just chocolate milk that mommy mixed for me."

Tom sighed and held out his hand to take the cup. Tord handed it over to him, and Tom promptly poured the liquid out into the night air. He tossed the cup back to a dismayed Tord.

"So, how about our bucket list?"

"Oh yeah."

Tord retrieved the crumpled up piece of notebook paper from his desk. He also grabbed a pencil, and quickly jot down ten things for the list.

Things Tord and Tom are gonna do before they commit liven't

Get some pussy

Drink til we jerk off in public

Throw up after jerking off in public

Slap a thot

Go to fuckin space

Get some more pussy

Love the pussy

Beat each other into the hospital

Beat each other up in the hospital while still recovering

Plant a tree to hang ourselves on

Tord flicked the pencil back into the depths of his room and showed Tom the list.

"This is it. We're gonna do these things before we kill ourselves," Tord said.

"I don't know if I'll live long enough for all of these to happen."

"I think we could get all these done this year."

Tord tapped his fingers on his lap in thought. Tom was eager for the day he got to see this waste of oxygen cease to breathe.

"We're gonna go to space this year? And I think you might have some trouble with the parts about getting pussy."

"Want to bet? I'll race you. First one to commit suicide wins."

"I mean, it's way past the middle of the year, but okay. I'll take you up on that bet."

"Then let's begin."

Tord took the list back from Tom and looked it over. Things to accomplish, things to accomplish...

"Hey, remember the cat from the first day we met?" Tord asked.

"'First day we met'? You're talking like we're in a romance novel."

"Whatever. We could get that cat, and cross "Get some pussy" off the list."

Tord began to call out into the night, snapping his fingers. The cat materialized before the two, as though it were being beamed down from the Starship Enterprise. At first, the cat was t-posing, because its character model was not yet loaded into the world, but eventually, it went back to normal.

"That's a nice pussy," Tord commented, petting her.

"I guess so."

"You got a name for her?"

"Yep."

The two said their chosen names at the same time.

"Bong Water!"

"Jimothy!"

The two were silence after suggesting their names. Then they both looked at each other in disgust. Tord smiled and pet the cat.

"Her name is Jimothy."

"Well, I'm calling the pussy Bong Water."

"Don't you dare talk to Jimothy like that."

"Bong Water looks likes she's gonna die if she has to spend any more time with you."

Tord shrugged, and continued to pet the cat.

"I'm touching more pussy than you," he said.

"Hairy pussy. Gross."

"You're forgetting that we are now one step closer to death." Tord was trying to change the subject. "And we can get another done tomorrow. How about... we plant that tree?"

"Sounds good. Let's do it tomorrow."

"Night, Pussybitch."

"Later, Fuckboi."