Vibrations

Chapter 21

Our conversation with Roo was so awkward it was nearly comical...

We decided that it would be done best at the kitchen table...

So there the three of us sat. One of us in each chair, and an empty spot on one side of the table. It was something out of a family sitcom...

I felt like I was sitting on a fucking job interview. Like Roo was going to look at me and tell me that she appreciated my application, but that the family was going in a different direction with the position.

Casey looked at her little girl, at our little girl.

"So Roo... this is going to be difficult to understand, but I want you to try, okay? Try very hard, okay?"

Roo looked at her, her little attention sponge turning on. She engaged with other people pretty well, but I could see, when she locked in on her mom the world began and ended right there. With Casey, it was like she was hearing the voice of God.

"Okay mommy."

Casey smiled as her eyes started to wet.

Roo reached her tiny hand over and patted her mom's, "It's okay mommy. You don't need to worry. I'm going to be a big girl. I'm gonna un'erstand good."

Both Casey and I had to suppress a laugh, and Roo just sat looking at us both, trying to figure out what was so funny.

Casey looked into Roo's eyes. "Honey, do you remember when you were asking about your daddy?"

Roo got very serious, her little head nodding. I could see pain in her little eyes and I don't think it would have hurt more had someone jammed a running chainsaw into my chest...

Casey looked at me, and the misery on her face was so obvious it hurt. I wanted to jump in and just tell Roo. To get it over with. I wanted desperately to spare Roo and Casey any more hurt. To just have the opportunity to jump ahead of all of this bullshit and start getting on with our lives...

I knew I couldn't do that, however. I knew that this was something Casey needed to do. It was something that she needed to wrap her mind around simply to help her get over it herself. To start to forgive herself. She needed to flagellate herself, to punish herself, and no matter how much I wanted her to skip that part of what she needed to do, I knew it was an intrinsic part of how she was going to need to heal and get past this.

"Honey," Casey started again, "I didn't tell you this then, and I should have... in fact, it was selfish of me not to... but Jakey here is your daddy."

It was a moment I will never forget. Her little mouth formed a perfect O and her head snapped around. Her eyes were filled with such a sense of excitement that my heart broke just looking at her. She clapped her little hands together and let out a babbled mess about how she knew, she just knew I had to be her daddy...

I couldn't help it any longer. I pulled her out of her chair and pressed her tight to my chest. She gave me her biggest, most awkward little kid hug. Like she was trying to squeeze the life out of me but she just knew that she didn't have the strength.

Tears fell from my eyes as I held my daughter.

"You're going to be a good daddy, Jakey..." Roo whispered to me as I hugged her.

I nodded, pulling her in tighter to me, "I'm certainly going to try, Button. I'm certainly going to try."