your heart and the sea

vii. the fireworks

i always hated the fireworks
the hot wet air
the open field
full of families all laughing
sparklers twirling in the summer night
the playground i ran to
the smell of burning rubber as
rebel kids threw firecrackers down the tallest slide
the hiss of their explosions
leaving hot black skid marks
the woods, the barbed-wire fence
the basketball court, gray and cold
itchy blankets, wet grass
my bare feet and tanned legs
hair knotted with chlorine, face scarred with sun freckles
sitting in the back of your pickup truck
for hours and hours and
h
o
u
r
s
and driving home in the rain
my ears still ringing
my vision bright with crackling color
falling asleep in the backseat

i always hated the fireworks but
i miss them
i cant see them from here anymore and
i miss you most of all
(the families all laughing)
because it's nine pm, the twilight air
flickering with the yellow hum of lightning bugs
and im running barefoot down my driveway
the black pavement wet and sticky
the air cold from a summer rain
struggling to see them over the trees
(i cant
i cant see anything anymore
i can just hear the steady psshpsshpsshBOOMpsshpsshpsshBOOM
as they ricochet off earth and
into heaven and
i can try to remember what they looked like
try to remember what you looked like)
my hair knotted with chlorine, my face scarred with sun freckles
my tanned legs no bigger than they used to be and
i know i was stupid and
i know i pushed you away and
i know that god you probably hate me but
i love you, i loved you.
i wish i told you that more often. and
ever since you left ive never been more alone
as i am watching the fireworks by myself and
i dont miss the fireworks
i just miss you.
and you loved them,
the fourth of july was your favorite holiday
(you never got to see your last one)
and now im spending it with a strange family
in a strange home
wishing i was sitting in the back of your pickup truck
(with you)
for hours and hours and
h
o
u
r
s
(with you)
and driving home in the rain
(with you)
my ears still ringing
my vision bright with crackling color
falling asleep in the backseat
(with you)