Sex, Chocolate, Rock N Roll

/ / 24. WHY ISN'T IT ENOUGH? / /

The room was dark, with only the shadows of one another coming into view. With every outside sound, Ellie's heart sped up in pace. The world scared her...reality and what it held other than two people's existence in one room in which they both couldn't even feel safe. She looked over at Matty who was sound asleep...

The thoughts which surrounded her mind were scary, every single doubt and remembrance of her regrets. After a deep breath, she kissed Matty on the cheek softly, and crawled out of bed. The hard wooden floors were cold beneath her feet, but what did it matter anyway? As soon so would her body be. She left the room and went to the kitchen, grabbing any bottle of alcohol she could get to first and pouring it into a cup.

She looked down at the golden brown color it owned, getting a whiff of its aroma as she took it to the bathroom, pushing the door open with her back. Setting the cup down, she opened the cabinet, grabbing the first bottle of pills she got her hands on. She looked at herself in the mirror, asking herself internally if she was brave enough.

You can't do it...you're not strong enough.

You're weak...that's why you can't even go through life.

You think you can take death?

It was as if her inner mind was at war with itself. She sighed and opened the bottle, pouring the pills into her hand and looking down at them. There was a sudden burning right in her chest, and twisting in her stomach. Just as she leaned her head back, spilling each one into her mouth and going for the cup Matty stepped into the hallway, turning to see her from where he stood.

His eyes grew wide as he came rushing into the bathroom, "ELLIE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" He pushed the cup over, the substance spilling everywhere.

"DON'T fucking swallow it!" He demanded, grabbing her by her jaws. She watched him, holding back every emotion which seemed to flood her senses at once.

"Ellie, please, I fucking swear if you do this to me.." he cried.

She pushed his hands away violently, grabbing he pill bottle and spitting them back in, closing her eyes tightly as every moment of her life began to flash and flicker through her mind like a film.

She sat down on the cold, hard floors, bringing her knees to her chest to hide her face against. Matty watched her, taking the bottle from her hands. He sat down in front of her, grabbing her hands which she pulled away from him.

"Ellie..."

"You don't know what it's like, Matty..." she said, her voice muffled against her knees. "At least you have...friends...and your family actually loves you..." she said, "and you're good at things...you have a band...and music..."

"Ellie, don't fucking try to kill yourself because you feel like you're not good at things...and you have me, why is that not enough for you? Why is that nothing for you to feel happy for?" He asked.

Ellie struggled to catch her breath, wiping her face yet still hiding.

"LOOK at me Ellie, I'm talking to you and you're just brushing me off! I'm your friend, I care about you as much as I care about my own family, I love you." He said, "why isn't that enough?"

Ellie looked up at him, slowly.

"Why isn't it enough?" He repeated.

"It is..." she said quietly, realizing that it was enough...it was more than enough. It was all she needed...her actions were selfish enough to send her through a second depression. She pushed her hair behind her ears, wiping her face. "Matty I'm sorry."