Mistake (B.S.)

T H I R T E E N

I felt like a criminal. Walking into a local drugstore for pregnancy tests made me feel like I was stealing a rare jewel. It felt like everyone was watching me—like everyone's eyes were on me.

But that wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was actually placing the boxes at the register, that judging look I was sure the cashier was giving me. To my surprise, the reaction of the young woman scanning the items remained neutral—not a single flicker of judgment in her eyes.

Then, when I left the store, there was a wave of relief. I was home free—I had made it past the first step, no longer feeling like a fugitive.

I had thought going into that store and buying those tests were the worst of it... I was wrong. The worst part were those two pink lines staring back at me.

It was surreal. I was in denial, hellbent that it was wrong. But as soon the denial surpassed, then came the shock. The weight of my own body buckled my knees as I plopped down on the toilet lid, knocking bottles of soap into the floor—the sound echoing in the confines of the bathroom.

I hadn't realized I'd made so much commotion until a barrage of knocks came pounding on the door—the sound of Adam's voice muffling through the only barrier separating me from my worst enemy.

"Hey, everything alright in there?" I ignored him for a moment, quickly snatching the toilet paper and hiding the evidence. I was guilty—I felt I had been caught red handed—in the act. I don't know why I was so tense. The outcome of this situation didn't matter; Adam's thoughts and opinions... didn't matter.

But instead of telling him to go away and continuing to stare at my unexpected reality, I felt the sudden need to appear inconspicuous. I actually thought that putting on a fake smile for Adam would make it less noticeable.

Gah... what was I thinking?

"Yeah, everything's fine. I'm fine." I repeated, convincing myself that it was true.

Adam's eyes narrowed in skepticism. I could see the wheels in his head turning, knowing that I was lying. "I heard something, thought you fell. You sure you're okay?"

All I could do was nod like an idiot. The truth was, I was far from okay. I had been terrified of Bill trapping me, of holding me down the way Adam had. But instead, I had trapped myself—thinking with my groin instead of my head.

I often found myself thinking about the time Bill and I had sex. All I could picture was him on top of me, his mouth tracking down the base of my throat—occasionally watching himself pump in and out of me. I could picture it all, I could remember it all. But the one thing I couldn't seem to recollect, was whether or not there had been a rubber on him.

There had been no talk of protection, but that didn't mean he hadn't slipped one on while his head was between my legs. I had been too caught up in the moment to pay attention to those details—too enamored with Bill to pick apart the things we should (or shouldn't) have been doing.

My hand went to my stomach, my face falling at the thought. There was actually the makings of a person inside of me. "You sure you're okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

My eyes went wide—I could feel I had spaced out, thinking of the person who had been responsible for this. Well... the other person responsible for this. I was just as at fault. I hadn't spoken to Bill in nearly two weeks—since fleeing the parking lot of that diner, brushing off his demand that I leave Adam.

I was a shit—a fucking shit for reacting the way I had. I knew Bill wouldn't lie to me about Adam, but yet I accused him of being a liar.

"I'm fine." I said again, thinking that I could persuade myself. The truth was, I had seen a ghost—the ghost of my former self being replaced by fear of what I will eventually become. "You can go now. I was just- I'm gonna take a shower." I stuttered.

"Wait." Adam blocked me from closing the door, placing his hand in the doorway. "Are you still leaving?"

"Yeah, nothing's changed, I'm still leaving, wh- why would I change my mind?" I stammered again, sure that Adam had caught on. It caused me to glance over my shoulder to the pregnancy test wrapped in toilet paper, thinking he had spotted it. The evidence still appeared secured in secrecy.

"Well, you're... you're being nice. I just thought maybe, you know? I don't know. I'm sorry. I heard something, just came to see if you were alright."

"I'm fine. Now, please... go." I waited for Adam's hand to move before I closed the door, immediately locking it.

I practically sprinted toward the sink, unwrapping the test to be sure that I hadn't imagined it...

I hadn't.

I needed to get ahold of Bill; I needed him to meet me face to face so I could tell him what we had done. I didn't understand why this had to happened—I knew how it happened, but wasn't sure why.

I was the good girl, the girl that never stepped out of bounds no matter the temptation. I played by the rules when everyone else didn't. The one time I broke the rules, I ended up facing consequences most people maneuvered out of with ease. Maybe it was because I was naive—I had played the role of a good girl for so long that I didn't know how to go about getting out of trouble. I didn't know the tricks to keep safe and protected.

Bill said that he loved me. Well... this was his chance to prove it.