Mistake (B.S.)

P R O L O G U E

"Mistakes."

God knows I'd made plenty of them. But feeling his arm draped across my waist... I don't know yet if I considered this one. For the first time, (in a long time) I was at peace. I didn't feel like I was struggling for air—drowning in a sea of denial.

You see, I know about her. He thinks I'm oblivious—he thinks I actually believe him when he tells me he's just going away on "business."

Ha. Business...

Who even uses that excuse anymore? I know where he puts his business—between the legs of a woman I don't have a chance in hell competing with. To think I uprooted my life for him—to think I quit my job (my great job) to move here with him to LA.

Sure, I could leave. I could move back to the city; the greatest city in the world, maybe even get my old job back.

But, you see... it's complicated.

Feeling his breath against my bare back, I realize he's what made everything so complicated. All this time, I'd been convincing myself that I loved Adam; that I couldn't leave because I wanted to make it work.

But who the fuck was I kidding? I'd never admit it out loud—it took for it to actually happen before I could even admit it to myself.

The truth was that I didn't want to leave him—the tall boy with the long arm stretched across my waist. I didn't want to miss a moment with him, whether it be in a club with a group of fair-weathered friends, getting lunch together when Adam bailed, or when we were alone together at some ridiculous house party—my house party. A party that Adam himself had planned but (once again) bailed on to take care of "business."

Sorry, I still can't get over how ridiculous that excuse is.

The truth was that I'd miss him. Adam may be a bastard, but I still had him; I still had the tall boy with fair skin that always seemed to be there when I needed him. And up until tonight, I was fine with him just being that guy—that friend that seemed to always make an appearance when I needed him the most.

Was it a mistake?

It didn't feel like a mistake. But lying awake in his arms... I fear that it may have been the biggest mistake of my life. A single act of indiscretion may have just costed me the best friend I've ever had; the most important person in my life right now.

Was this what I wanted him for? Adam wasn't just my significant other, he was his friend. At times he was his best friend. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to him, even with Adam standing next to me, or sitting between us when we were out at dinner.

But it wasn't just his large green eyes or his dark pigmented plump lips... it was something much more than that. It was his friendship—it was the fact he seemed to always put me first, even before Adam at times. He seemed to care for me when the rest of the world didn't.

Perhaps that's cliche; perhaps that's just what I wanted to believe.

But I couldn't help but to feel that he understood me in a way no one else did. He laughed at my lame jokes, he smiled at me a certain way when no one was looking. When his knee touched my leg under a table, he didn't jerk it away, he left it there. In clubs and at ridiculous house parties, he danced with me. Not well, I'll add. He didn't seem to care who was watching either, not even Adam. Which was why I never put too much thought into his gestures; the holding-my-hand gestures—the dancing-like-no-one's- watching gestures.

He did it in front of everyone. In the year that I'd known him, he had never been shy about getting too close to me. I thought he was being friendly; I thought he was treating me like a friend and nothing more.

I mean come on, let's face it, what does someone like him want with someone like me?

He was adventurous; he was funny and damnit he was intelligent. He was a quiet storm of wonder with an innocent face that sometimes didn't look so innocent. He had a natural knack for being the life of the party—any party, really. He was one of those people others gravitated to. You weren't sure why, but you wanted to be his friend. You wanted him to notice you.

Which was why it didn't make sense... what made me so lucky?

Whenever he was in town, my whole world seemed to open up. He was always willing to do anything—go anywhere. There was never a dull moment; nothing was ever boring with him around.

So you see, I couldn't leave Adam. I would've missed the chance to be wrapped in his arms right now, feeling his breath beat against my back; my chance to feel at peace.

But, now what?...

I slept with my boyfriend's best friend; I slept with the one guy that seemed to always know what to say to me when things were bad. But after tonight, I'm not sure he can be that guy anymore. What happened tonight was not a mistake in my eyes—nothing with that boy could ever be a mistake. By lying next to him with only a blanket, I fear I'm his mistake.

So was it worth it; to finally feel what his bare body felt like against mine? In the moment, absolutely. But right now... I can't say for sure that it wasn't a mistake.