Evolution, a Spencer Reid/Criminal Minds Fanfic

Chapter 53. Journey of the Mind

Reid went softly.

This time he felt a certain familiarity with Hotch’s mind. There were landmarks he remembered from previous visits. Overall, it was still ordered and pleasant and…So nice, he breathed.

Why, thank you!

Mentally, Reid startled. Hotch?

You expecting someone else? Wait! Don’t answer that: I remember last time.

The wry humor surprised him. Hotch rarely displayed any, but here and now, Reid felt he was almost surrounded by a sort of playfulness.

You weren’t like this the last couple times I was in here.

I wasn’t myself last time. Remember? That Brandenhoff guy was making me sick. There was a pause that twisted onto itself like a question mark. Wait! Wha’d’you mean ‘couple times’? Is there something you aren’t telling me, Reid?

Hotch, I’m sorry. I was thinking about Bescardi and your memory and stuff and, well, I forgot to tell you.

What?

When you were lost in the woods, Ana and I went after you. We wouldn’t let you leave.

The pause this time had a roughened texture, like grit. Somehow Reid knew Hotch was mulling things over; chewing on them. Things that he’d forgotten or buried and chose to ignore. But these memories were much more accessible than the ones wiped by Bescardi’s drugs.

By ‘leave,’ do you mean ‘die’?

Reid sent a pulse of affirmation. Can you remember?

The answer was low and had a touch of shame clinging to it. I was tired. Everything hurt. But worst was being so alone…lost. Lonely. The playfulness was gone. Reid was sorry to feel it leave. The sadness he thought of as almost synonymous with Hotch re-established its dominance. Reid tried to dampen his regret for the lost mirth. It was more important to hear what Hotch was communicating.

I kind of went numb. It was so much easier. It made the pain bearable. And something was telling me everything would be better if I just…let…go. A flash of confusion swept by. Was that you, Reid?

No. I don’t know what that was. What happened then? Silence. Hotch?

I’m thinking....  I heard Jack’s name. Every time I did, I had to come back to see why his name was there in a place I wanted to leave. I couldn’t move on if Jack, even just his name, was there. It made leaving hard. Every time I tried to let go, Jack sort of…echoed…at me. Was that you?

Yes.

And then something warm came. It was like, I don’t know…being wrapped in arms I couldn’t see. It made everything easier to bear…the pain and the loneliness. Another silence. But, Reid, it didn’t feel like you.

It was more than me. It was Ana, too. Reid felt Hotch’s discomfort. There was a slight shiver of almost-hysteria at the edges. Hotch? Are you okay?

No.

What is it? What’s wrong?

Everything! You’re right. I’m not meant for this kind of thing. I’m scared. I’m scared.

Hotch! You never give up! You never get scared!

I get scared a LOT, Reid! I just hide it. I can’t hide from you here, and that scares me even more.