Isa's Star

elle

The funeral was good. Well not 'woo-fun-goodtimes' good but it went well. Betty did a great job planning our outfits and the shells. Isa would've preferred that to flowers. I hate how everything turns to past tense now. It's so final.

I turn to Betty and put my arm round her. She's facing away from us to the back of the garden, her eyes fixed on the moon. She leans into me gratefully. Ali is staring into space but she joins our little group hug now, pulling both of us into her arms. Sean's inside getting yet another plate of nibbles. The think with nibbles is that they add up. You don't realise how much you've nibbled until you've put on ten pounds.

Elle! Those are exactly the thoughts we're stopping. Right? Right.

I had three Doritos, each dipped in a tiny bit of humous. It wasn't much and I knew that but I was happy for a moment. A moment.

Sean comes back outside and, after spotting us, walks over and slings his arm around Ali's shoulders. I have a feeling that the next few months will be filled with hugs. It always feels like the right thing to do when one of us is upset.

"It's so weird." Sean begins, his voice thick, "Just last summer we were in this garden at your party. Everything was perfect."

Betty lowers her head and twin tears drop to the floor. "Everything was perfect." She murmurs.

Sean gently tilts her head up again with his hand. However tell Betty is Sean is always taller. It's like a little joke, with Isa and Betty always standing on tiptoes to be as tall as him. They're getting close now...Betty's getting close. Why is this so hard? My eyes are stinging but I can't let tears fall, I can't look weak for Betty.

"You'll be okay." He says to Betty and pulls her into a hug. They were always like brother and sister. I couldn't help being almost as jealous of Betty as I was of Isa. I don't envy her now of course. I can hear Betty sobbing into Sean and he keeps swallowing and wiping at his eyes.

It's a Sunday but I don't see any of us going to school tomorrow. I'd much rather sit at home and cry in the peace of my bedroom instead of in front of the whole school. Ali takes my arm and leads me back inside, using her thumb to catch a tear that drips from her eye.

"Elle, I want you to eat a little more. Just a sandwich or something."

I try not to frown in disgust. A sandwich? I couldn't eat a sandwich. I take an apple slice and chew on it carefully. I paint a smile on my face for Ali but she sees through it. She always does.

"Come on Elle, you know you have to. I didn't see you eat anything all day." I stayed over at Ali's last night and managed to avoid eating breakfast but I did have an egg at lunch.

"I had an egg, remember?"

Her eyes begin to glimmer again and I feel so bad, so guilty that I take a handful of crisps and shove them in my mouth. There are so many that I can't even chew with my mouth closed so I cover it with my hand and force them down. Ali doesn't smile like I hoped she would. She just takes my hand and leads me back outside.

Sean and Betty are lying on the grass next to each other, pointing up at the stars. I join them and Ali does too. We lie in silence for a while, stargazing. The sky is beautiful tonight, Betty's house is just on the edge of Edinburgh so the sky is clear most nights, filled with tiny, sparkling points of light.

"I'm naming that one Isa." Betty says, pointing to a star shining a little brighter than the rest. From where I'm lying it's just left of the apple tree.

It only grows cooking apples but Isa always used to dare everyone to eat them. They were sour but sweetened enough by Isa's delighted laughter that I was always able to eat the entire thing. I wouldn't be able to do that now. Ali would eat loads, cutting them up and swallowing the pieces whole. I had to stop her before she was sick and Isa and Betty laughed so much they cried.

I'll never forget the Isa star's position in the sky. I don't tell her that it's actually the middle star in Orion's belt.

"She'll watch down on us and laugh when we fall." Ali says, laughing quietly but her voice cracking.

"But then she'll help us stand up again." Sean whispers.

Betty starts crying first but we all follow quickly. I love so much Isa but I hate her as well. It's all over for her now but we have to live knowing we could've done something. We have to live without her. We have to cry whenever someone mentions her name.

I wipe my eyes en nobody's looking and say, "I'm going to the bathroom."

I'm not. I just have to get inside. I go up the stairs, not even glancing at the tables piled high with crisps and snacks. It's quieter upstairs, cooler. The sound and crush of people talking and remembering was loud but is now masked by the soft, cream carpet on the floor.

I know which door leads to the shower room that Isa and Betty share...shared. I don't enter. Instead I ease the handle of Betty's room down and push it open, carefully. I push it wider and step inside, closing it almost fully. After checking it won't open by itself I tiptoe over to Isa's bed. I know it's hers because the duvet is perfect, the pillow flat without a dent from her head.

Betty's is messy and rumpled, her side of the table is covered in stuff, a small pile of books, her alarm clock, a box of tissues and her iPad. Isa's side is empty apart from a letter. It's on lined paper, been ripped out from a notebook or something. I gently pick it up and it brushes the white wood of the table.

My eyes flick over the neat handwriting. I know who it's from before she signs her name. I would know her handwriting anywhere. It's from Isa.

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A.N - Thanks for reading this chapter! If you enjoyed it don't forgot to vote! ❤️