baby // spam

doctor ?????

hey everyone this is gonna get really personal for a sec, you can leave if you want.

this is really close to my heart and slightly embarrassing but you're my family and i love and trust you.

i'm going to the doctor today, and i'm so anxious.

i have a really bad traumatic experience which anything medical. dentist, doctor, orthodontist, etc.

they all make me anxious and i hate going.

it's just a physical (like a routine checkup) but i know it's gonna end up being more than that.

every time i've ever been to the doctor i got my finger pricked, got a shot, or got my blood drawn.

last time i got my blood drawn i threw up.

usually i take an anxiety med before i go, but it makes me loopy. i have a game today so i have to go to school, therefore i can't take the medication.

so i'm super nervous and anxious and worried.

and it's not just about possibly getting blood taken or shots.

they always tell me that i'm too short for my age, or i'm overweight and i need to "lay off the carbs."

like i'm not joking, a doctor once told me "you've gained 40 pounds in two years. you need to lay off the carbs sweetie."

OKAY LISTEN. i'm really short. and i used to be really skinny. like itty bitty. too skinny. and when i gained those 40 pounds, i was catching up to normal.

literally i wasn't overweight at all. i was like exactly on average. so i was fine with my carbs.

i go to a different doctor now, because that lady makes me feel really insecure.

but i'm still afraid they're gonna say something like that again.

you all know that i'm really insecure and i don't like myself or my body and i'm trying so hard to learn to love myself.

i'm really trying. i'm eating better. i'm working out more. i'm dressing nicer. i'm making new friends. i'm changing my personality and my body to something i like more.

(side note: i feel like i shouldn't be doing that but it's the only way to be happy as of right now so).

going to the doctor and having them tell me everything that's wrong with me is just really discouraging.

they just give me a list of all the things about myself that i need to change. and believe me, i have a list myself, i don't need help.

it's really discouraging and i feel like i've finally made progress in loving myself and they're just gonna tear me back down.

i have to go now, but i'll update you guys when i'm out. thanks for always supporting me. you're the best. i love you all.