Just Getting The Hang of It

Part II

At Millers I was given lunch and there was more testing. I met my doctor who would later be known as my attending or primary oncologist. Dr. Zwerdling. What I liked about Dr. Zwerdling the most besides him being an awesome doctor was the fact that he was always upfront with me. Never was he one to beat around the bush about my condition. He talked to me about my illness. That's greatly appreciated. If this ever makes its' way to you Dr. Zwerdling let me just say thank you for everything. Having you as my first oncologist was a blessing. I hope you are doing well and that you're enjoying your retirement. I'm not so sure about you conducting trains though.

Coming back to where I was though. Dr. Zwerdling came into my hospital room and told my mom and I that it was leukemia. He informed us that there are different types of leukemia and that they are seeing what type of leukemia it is. He gave us a moment to process this. I did the only thing I felt I could do. Cry. My mom cried as well. Before we move on though let me tell you something about this moment that I remember so clearly. My mom's response. This memory has haunted me for a long time after my diagnosis. I'm still learning to let it go because it is in the past. In order to move forward I can't continue to look back. When we were alone crying she said to me that even though this was happening, she couldn't let this stop her life because she had two other children who needed her. She left a bit after that.

Understand that I'm not angry and was not angry with my mother. She had a valid point. Sure it stung and it still stings a bit today, but it was the truth. I had two younger siblings who needed my mom. Just because the world was interrupted for me, didn't mean it was for anyone else. I think the thing that aches me about this moment is that even though I knew logically she was correct, emotionally I still needed my mom. I wanted her support. Even if it was just for that single life defining moment.

From this point on it will be moments that I remember with clarity and precision (at least I think so). I won't be able to give you dates for they would be inaccurate. I will try to place the order of events as close to chronological order but if not, well we'll just chalk it up to "Chemo Brain". The next couple of days consisted in getting ready for treatment. That meant transfusions and the insertion of my portacath.

My first blood transfusion that I can remember correctly was in the late evening. I remember feeling grateful because it wasn't anyone else in my family who had to go through this. I never thought "Why me?". I find it easier to be the one in treatment, then to be the loved one watching. Not being able to do anything about it. I wasn't angry or bitter. I didn't want to spend the next couple of years ( I say couple because my initial treatment was supposed to be 2 years and 4 months) angry or bitter over something that couldn't be helped. Something that helped me get through the rougher days was that my dad always told me to smile at the world before it laughs at you. I say that what most people don't know is that the world is already laughing, but jokes on the world because I'm laughing right along with it.

I was not angry at God because God does not bring about tragedies. This was not God's fault or anyone's really. It's something that just happens. The sooner you accept that the easier this all becomes. Those what ifs would torture your soul if you let them and it will eat at you if you don't learn to let it go and move forward. This is something my mom struggles to understand even now. No mom, you didn't feed me too many hot dogs, not enough vegetables, not enough organic. You did your damn best and I'll be damned if I let anyone tell you otherwise. You couldn't have prevented this anymore than my dad could have shielded me from anything bad happening to me. You guys did your best and I know that. I love you guys so much.

My first platelet transfusion was interesting to say the least. My nurse started my platelets and waited to see if I got any sort of reaction. I had none, but right as the transfusion finished and they were to take me downstairs for my port placement, I began to get hives. Under my right eye was a big one. They quickly administered IV Benadryl. Now if you've ever received IV Benadryl then you're well aware of how fast that stuff kicks in. Anyways, so here I was lying in a gurney as they took me downstairs. Slowly, but surely I was falling asleep. As they were walking me down the nurse from surgery was asking me questions like if I was aware of what procedure I was getting today and then proceeded to explain how the procedure is done. I swear I barely heard a damn word that woman was saying because here I was half asleep and all I could think was could this woman shut the hell up and let me sleep? When I did fall asleep, I woke up in my room back on the oncology floor.