Just Getting The Hang of It

Part VII

Now the riviting part. My transfer to CHOC or Children's Hospital of Orange County. Now the reason for this is obviously none other than insurance. When I arrived at Millers I was being covered by CCS or California Children's Services. When I turned 21 CCS dropped me and I switched to Medical Caloptima. Now medical said that because I live in Orange County and have Orange County Insurance, I needed to be treated in a hospital in Orange County. Now remember this tidbit as it will be relevant later.

Medical wanted me to send me to Huntington Beach Hospital. I wasn't even aware that Huntington Beach had an oncology unit. To this day I don't know if they do. I wasn't comfortable with this and my parents certainly weren't comfortable with this. We wanted to at the very minimum be sent to a hospital that was associated with cancer care. My very awesome Hemoc team at the time would not allow it because they too were not comfortable with this. We fought insurance. They said no and we tried one last final time only to be denied again. Christine Yun, who was my awesomely awesome nurse practitioner at the time told me she was leaving to CHOC, to be closer to home. My doctor at the time after Dr. Zwerdling retired, Dr. Etan Orgel (by the way if you read this I hope you finally got yourself some decent pair of socks and also my taste in music is not bad, you're just old), was leaving to CHLA or Children's Hospital of Los Angeles, because his contract was up and so were many of the other doctors. It was giving us less reasons to stay. In the end my oncology team found that CHOC had a young adolescents program and I would remain in pediatrics. They transferred me there.

CHOC was different. It's nice and the nurses and staff are great. I love these guys, but it isn't Millers. That's a good thing because I wouldn't want want it to be. By being different it makes each one special in it's own way. I love Millers, but I also love CHOC and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else aside from Millers. CHOC is fantastic and the OPI or outpatient infusion is different, but good. Shout out to the ladies in OPI. Viri I swear you're my other half in my friendship soul in a parallel universe that exist within our own. My primary oncologist Dr. Van Huyhn is marvelous. Another straight shooter when it comes to my situation. I also wouldn't want to leave everyone else on the oncology team out like the other oncologist and the BMT coordinators. You guys rock.

I settled in at CHOC in the beginning of January 2016. I was doing outpatient at the time. Now this next experience I'm going to tell you about is something I'm not used to talking about. It's very personal, and still very raw for me. Not many people know aside from my immediate family and a few close friends. It's hard to talk about, but I feel like I have to talk about it because who knows. It might benefit someone somewhere along the way like it did me or maybe it will be for my own personal gain in a path to healing.

In the ending days of March going into April I found out I was about 3 months pregnant. Now me and my fiance, when we are sexually active do take preventative measures. I was on birth control and he used protection, so imagine my surprise when my period didn't come and I just thought it was the birth control or stress. I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. I talked to my oncologist and she took a blood test. Positive. She explained to me how I wasn't the first and I'm not gonna be the last this happens to, but that it does change things depending if I wanted to keep the pregnancy. She sent me to see a high risk OBGYN.

Me and Steven (in case I hadn't mentioned my fiance's name before which I believe I hadn't. Sorry Steven) used to talk about if I ever got pregnant during treatment, what would we do. We discussed pros and cons and ultimately decided we made the choice that if this was to ever happen, we would terminate. Steven said that whatever was chosen he would support me. We never thought it would actually happen you know? We were so caught up in what if we can never have children, that what if we did never came up much. So here I was pregnant and with a heavy heart had to make a choice.

I thought I knew. I thought I was heavy set on terminating because that's what me and Steven talked about and agreed on when talking about what if situations in our early days. We went through the pros and cons. I could have this baby, but treatment would be altered and what if I relapsed while pregnant, or after? I wanted to live in a world where I didn't have to choose between me or a baby. I didn't want to live in a world where I left a child behind because I altered treatment. I didn't want so many things, but that's just me being selfish isn't it.

The day of our first first ultrasound I was afraid that once I heard that heartbeat, my wall would crumble. That I wouldn't be able to go through with it and at the same time I didn't know if the choice I thought was best was the right one. We did the ultrasound and the nurse got up and went outside. I knew immediately, there was something wrong. The doctor came in shortly to explain to us that the fetus didn't have a heartbeat. They were not sure if it even developed one. I didn't have to make a choice. It was taken from me.

The doctor went on to explain to us that somewhere along the way the fetus stopped developing and it happens for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes it could be as simple as the body itself noticed something not developing right with the fetus and terminates the pregnancy, but we will never know. She said most woman have a miscarriage in the first trimester more than anything. That sadly it was common. She went on to explain that it could have been anything and to not think about the what ifs because they'd kill me. Sometimes to this day I wonder if my ignorance killed my child. That maybe if I had taken better care of myself or did a test and found out sooner my baby would be okay, but it's pointless.

I had a D&C later to remove the dead fetus as the doctors didn't want me to bleeding while I was on active treatment. Steven proposed to me shortly after at the end of April. We would find out later that not having our child was for the better.

In June 2016, just after the whole pregnancy ordeal. I relapsed once again and there was Leukemia in my bone marrow. This was it. I had to do transplant. Now here is where I say for a while I didn't know whether to feel relieved that I didn't have to make that choice or angry that the choice was taken from me about our baby. Today I look back and say I choose to believe everything happens for a reason. I choose to believe God gave me the grace, forgiveness, and ability not to make that choice because he knew what was to come and that either choice would have killed me. Now my baby is in God's arms and I just pray she/he forgives me. I sometimes wonder what she/he would have looked like. I guess I'll find out when it's my time.

After this and the decision to go to bone marrow transplant one of the ladies from CHOC told me about fertility preservation and if I ever saved my eggs. I told her no. I was talked to about it once at Millers, but the subject never came back up. She gave me the number for a doctor at USC Fertility and Steven and I had a consult. Dr. Karine Chung was so kind and honest. She told me that because I had treatment twice already my chances at this were very slim.They weren't even sure if it would work, but if it was that important to me, that I should try it so that I wouldn't live with that regret. I spoke to my family and fiance. We talked about costs and they agreed to support me. We took the chance. I HAD to. They told me post transplant that I would most likely never have kids of my own. I had to take this last chance. Especially after the loss we experienced just months ago. My family and I fundraised and accomplished the goal thanks to everyone supporting me. I did the treatment and all looked well. I had about 8 follicles ready to collect, but when the time came, they could only extract one. It's mature and they're saving it for us, but it doesn't guarantee me a child. The egg will have to survive the process of defrost and then insemination, cell division and so on. But if it does, then I have that one child. That one miracle. That one hope. My little "Nemo". Just like Marlin was left with one egg, so were my fiance and I.

Transplant came way too soon I think and off to Cedar-Sinai I went.