Just Getting The Hang of It

Part V

Loneliness is present during long stays in the hospital, at home, within one's self. My first year of treatment my dad didn't work so he was with me all the time. When he went back to work the following year got difficult. I was left alone in the hospital a lot. I can't blame my parents. After all they had lives, other children, bills, groceries and so on. It's hard to be around all the time. My life was in a stand still while everyone else was moving forward. My friends were going to college or getting jobs. My fiance as well. He came around as often as he could. I had trouble accepting that he wanted to be with me and didn't mind driving to see me. At that point in time, I always felt he deserved better. He deserves someone who could go out and do things with him. Someone who could give him a family of his own. Someone who didn't have to guess if they were going to stick around long enough in this life. Through my experience at Dream Street (I will explain this later) and in this life I've learned that I'm worthy of the love my fiance was giving me. I learned that being good enough for him or not wasn't up for me to decide.

There was a lot of frustration. There still is. I get frustrated at myself for not being able to do things I used to be able to do. To this day I still can't jump a jump rope. Remembering things is a little harder. Sometimes I forget how to spell letters. I used to be an active walker. I walked everywhere. It was no problem. Now my bones ache in the cold. I've lost flexibility in my ankles. If I walk for too long the Avascular Necrosis in my right knee begins to act up and slowly my entire right leg starts to hurt. Eventually it creeps past the right leg to the entire right side of my body no longer being able to continue.

As I mentioned before I get really bad muscle spasms and cramps. When it happens at night it hurts so bad I cry. My legs ache with a bone deep pain as I try to walk it off. Sometimes I never sleep because of them. My legs one time locked up and I fell over when I was walking with my best friend, Oke. It's frustrating feeling broken. They tell you it's not your fault, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Tears? Oh hell yeah. A LOT. First Diagnosis, every relapse, every side effect, every hospital stay, every loss, every treatment. Life breaks you and boy is it good at it. I believe it's meant to. That way when we put the pieces back together we come back stronger. If you've ever seen Fullmetal Alchemist or read it, at the end of the brothers' journey the last quote said is, "A lesson without pain is meaningless. For you cannot gain something without sacrificing something in return. But once you have overcome it and made it your own... You will gain an irreplaceable fullmetal heart." My journey has left me with "A heart strong enough to overcome any obstacle... A heart made fullmetal".

Anxiety and PTSD had become very real to me since cancer. I get anxiety in large crowds inside closed confides such as classrooms, waiting rooms, public restrooms and sometimes restaurants depending on where I sit. I lived isolated for so long it was an adjustment. I had miniature panic attacks when people sneezed or coughed. Germs were everywhere to me. Now as an Agriculture major working on a livestock husbandry degree, this was a problem. Every headache I nearly panicked afraid it was another CNS relapse.

The wounds heal, but the scars are always there, even if they fade. Has cancer left its mark on me? Absolutely. Does it define me? Never.