LUNA

17

I sat in my room for the majority of the time Sebastian was gone. I didn't leave the bed too often either. I simply kept to myself. I could've left the room to talk to one of the guards stationed outside of the house but I didn't bother.

All three boys left on Monday and it's currently Saturday and each day has been identical to the last. I'll get out of bed to grab some food and then I'm come right back upstairs to watch movies, scroll through books, or sleep. I also added crying to that list every night.

Tuesday was the hardest day. I woke up in this big house all alone to my own screams from a nightmare; one I already lived.

When I walked into the room on Sunday night to get Michelle I had to hold myself back. I had to hold in the memories and the reminders of my decision. I shoved all emotions deep down and I tried to keep them in so that I didn't project my upset onto Michelle. That all but lasted a few hours.

Tuesday was spent in bed crying, Wednesday was spent sleeping and watching some television. Thursday and Friday were spent eating ice cream. Today? Spent anxiously waiting for the guys to return. Not because I'm worried for their safety, but because it's going to be awfully hard to put on a smile and act happy to see them. I will be happy to see them, but I won't be happy for them to realize I'm going through something greater than them.

It'll start with Logan making a stupid joke and me having to force out a snarky remark followed by an awkward hug. Then it'll be Hudson who gives me a soft smile and quick embrace. It'll be followed up by Bash kissing me and asking how I am. I'll have to lie as he turns to his friend and introduces him. I'll force out some cheerful comments about how happy I am to finally meet him before excusing myself because I have to get dressed.

And finally I'll go back upstairs and take a shower where I'll cry over the fact that I let any man touch me after reliving my nightmare.

I can't get the feeling of his hands off of my body and I wish I could just close my eyes and forget but I can't. I can't because every time I close my eyes I see it happening again and I no longer feel anger I just feel regret that it wasn't Bash.

And that's exactly how my morning panned out.

"I was expecting you to look happier that I'm back." Bash teases as he walks into our room and into our closet where I'm organizing my clothing.

"I am happy. I'm just very tired."

"So you're organizing clothing?" He jokes before taking a seat on the carpet with me.

"Yeah. I have to do it so I might as well get it done." I continue to fold some of my leggings to place in the drawers and I put away two pairs before his hand goes to my arm and stops me.

"Do you wanna tell me what's really going on?"

"Bash there's nothing going on. I just like when it's organized." I force out a laugh.

"Jenifer you can't lie to me when the guards report back to me about what went on this week." He admits and I know. I've been caught red handed. "I want to be here for you but I don't know what's wrong or what you need from me." He gives me pleading eyes but even those can't get me to speak up about my past.

"They said you never left the house and only went downstairs twice." He adds and I shake my head.

"Nice to know your guards are snitches."

"Someone has to tell me what's going on when I'm gone. Especially when I come back and you're acting like a zombie. Babe I'm worried."

That's because I've felt like one since Monday.

"Bash I'm just going through some stuff. You didn't do anything wrong and nobody here did anything wrong."

I know his worry is that he's done something to make me angry or sad but that's not the case. It's just complicated.

"Then what is it?"

"Sebastian I can't tell you because nobody knows and if I say something then this just gets worse for me. I am better off working through this on my own. I'll be fine in a few days."

To be fair it doesn't take too long to try and block things out and that's how I plan on coping. I should be good in a few days. Granted it's a temporary solution to a way bigger problem but I don't have time to spill my secrets to somebody because I don't trust anyone enough to tell the truth.

I told Michelle but that was to comfort her in a time of need so she didn't feel alone. It's a step in the right direction, but it doesn't count. It doesn't count as telling someone who thinks you slept with someone as revenge to the moon goddess. It's not like telling your mate.

"So I have to watch you be in pain for a few days? I can tell you're suffering. If you forgot we're mates and I can feel what you're feeling."

"Then you must be feeling annoyed because that's all I'm feeling. Stop digging for information you'll never get and nobody will ever get."

"It's gotta do with Michelle and I'm not going to let it go because you've been acting off since that night."

"It has nothing to do with your sister. I picked her up and comforted her that's it."

"You knew how to comfort her a little too well Jen. You knew exactly what she needed because you had first hand experience with this."

"Oh so now you're just so super psychic and know exactly what I've been through without me telling you anything."

"Jen I'm not gonna question you any further but you're only hurting yourself by not talking about whatever you're going through."

"Cause you really wanna hear about how I did sleep with that guy. How I wanted to feel something? I wanted to feel what it was like to have someone want me only to feel like a used piece of garbage afterwards. That's what you wanted to hear so fucking bad!" I shout. "I wanted to comfort Michelle so she didn't suffer the same way I did and bottle everything up. That's exactly right Bash, and congrats you got me to tell you my biggest secret that nobody knows. I told Michelle to try and help her and that's it. Are you proud that you pried information from me?"

Judging by the look on his face he's ready to set fire to the person who I spent that night with.

"I didn't want to take information from you. I wanted you to tell me what you needed from me so I can help you cope with whatever you're going through. You wouldn't even tell me that."

"Because I don't know what I need! I've been trying to find an answer to that question for a year. I don't know what anyone can do to make this situation better for me." I stand up and he does the same. "Telling my parents? That would never work. Telling Trev? That would lead to him hunting down the guy. Telling you? It leads to you wanting to take his place. It leads you to wanting to prove to me that you're mine and I'm yours but I don't want to think about that night. I don't want to think about what I did and I was doing a great job of that until the other day too."

"I'm clearing my schedule for the next few days. I'm gonna be here for you and I don't care if you don't want me here. I'm not letting you suffer this guilt without trying to help."

"It's a waste of time Bash. You're better off being there for Michelle. She's easier to help."

"And you're the love of my life."

"You don't love me. You can't love me. You can't love someone who took fake love from some random man who was just there when I was lonely."