Feels like Home

20. Jar of Hearts

I end up being fifteen minutes late, but I'm never late under normal circumstances, so I know it will be fine. I'm in a great mood all day. I can't get past the extreme high I felt this morning with Luca.

As I'm smiling stupidly at my computer, Leslie approaches the nurses' station. "Okay, you have to tell me what's going on."

"What do you mean?"

"Well...you haven't stopped smiling all day, even when Dr. Durban blamed you for his mistake. You usually get pissed."

I shrug. "I know, but it all turned out okay. And you know he always does that with the nurses." Nothing was bringing me down today.

She narrows her eyes at me, suspiciously. I give in. "If you must know," I lean in closer and whisper, "I had amazing sex this morning. Like, probably the best of my life."

Her eyes widen, and her mouth curls into a smile. "Well it's about time!"

"Shhh!" I say, giggling.

"Okay, Okay," her voice is lowering. "It's just that you haven't had sex since Jason, right?" I nod.

"So you obviously must like Luca then? Are you officially a couple?"

I think for a moment. "I don't think so. We haven't really talked about it. I do like him, and I'm fairly confident he likes me. But he lives four hours away, Leslie, and I just don't know if I'm ready for a relationship. I mean, what if he breaks my heart? I don't know if I could survive what I went through with Jason again."

She stands up tall, obviously about to give me a pep talk. "First of all, you would survive it again. You can survive anything. Second, you have to move on at some point, with someone. You would be nuts to not give it a shot with someone who just gave you the best sex of your life."

"I think you're ri--" I stop talking as I look at the expression on Leslie's face--shock and horror. She's looking behind me. I'm almost afraid to turn around, but I do, and see Jason walking down the hall looking at me, smiling like a fox.

When he reaches us, he says, "Hey girls". And looking behind me, "Leslie, how are you?" He doesn't wait for her to respond before he says, "Shelley, can I talk to you for a second?"

I am so surprised by this visit, all I can do is nod. I haven't seen Jason since our divorce was finalized a year ago. Looking at him now, I realize I still feel sadness and humiliation, and ashamedly, a little bit of love and longing. I've accepted that once a person truly loves someone, a part of that will never go away, no matter what.

I look at Leslie as I stand up. "I'll watch your patients for you," she says, obviously as astounded by this as I am.

As I lead him down the hall to the outside garden--where I usually take my breaks--anger finally reaches the surface. As soon as we get outside I turn around, "Jason, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I understand you are still angry with me, Shelley, and that's fine."

"Oh well thank you for your permission," I say sarcastically.

He ignores me. "But you changed your number, I didn't know how else to talk to you but to come here."

"Fine, Jason, but what do you need to talk about? Everything has been settled a long time ago."

"I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it." He takes a deep breath. "I still love you, Shelley. I have never stopped. I made the worst mistake I could have ever made. I want to be with you.  I will do whatever you want me to for you to forgive me. We belong together." He grabs my hands and holds them. I'm silent, and he takes that as acceptance.

"You know we were so happy together. I'm sure I have become some sort of villain in your life story, but you know we had a lot of good times, too. Please, Shelley, please forgive me."

I look at Jason now--my first love, the man I wanted to spend my life with, the man I wanted to have children with--and I realize I am completely, totally, deeply in love...but not with Jason.

I slowly pull my hands out of his. "Jason, you don't want to be with me, you just don't want to be alone."

"That's not true, Shelley."

"Yes. If you truly wanted me, you never would have strayed. You're insecure. You are constantly looking to other people to raise your self-esteem, but, I can tell you, you are not going to get that from me."

He has the audacity to look stunned. He really thought he was going to come here today, and I would just forget that he had completely destroyed me.

"Jason, I suggest you focus on taking care of your baby girl. That's a commitment you have to keep. Be the best dad you can be." His mouth is hanging open while he slowly nods his head. He begins walking through the garden to the other side, probably where he parked his car.

"Oh, and Jason?" He turns around to look at me. "Don't ever come back here again."