Pink Or Black

chapter 4

    Because of all this attention, she was asked to hang out with the 'cool' people. Slowly, she got accepted as their new friend. That was four years ago.

    She found it very amusing that the main reason why she was accepted was due to the attention she got from boys. She was only twelve then. At that time she did not realise that in another year's time, boys would become a very important or rather a major part of her friend's conversation. She knew that she was lucky. She had what she wanted. Like her friends, she enjoyed all the attention she received. But every situation has its pros and cons.

      Slowly, it dawned on Tiana that she had to be very careful about what she said to or near her friends. They were, for some unknown reason, more touchy and sensitive than the rest of the girls. They were quick to express their mocking amusement at anything they considered silly. They did not even spare their own group when it came to acting scornful and sarcastic.

     As Tiana did not want to be ridiculed again, she started saying those very things which she thought would be accepted to her friends. She stopped voicing her true options and instead, said what they wanted to hear. A time came when the only option that mattered more than anything else to her friends were Tiana's false options.

        Finally, in grade nine, when her English teacher asked all the students in her class to speak about themselves for two minutes, she realised that she had a biiiiig problem. She could not even speak about herself for thirty seconds.

       She was standing in front of the class and all she could see were about thirty pairs of gaping eyes. Her mind was doing its best to recall something of her own. It quickly tried to do a complete memory scan...... but it all turned out to be a vain effort. 'Tabula rasa my dear friend!' was the answer that her mind gave back. So that was it..... she just stood there.... speechless.

        'Tiana come on, tell us something about your likes and dislikes. What are your hobbies. Try. It can't be that difficult', said her teacher with a hint of irritation in her voice.

      Thinking hard, she tried to concentrate on her hobbies. She liked to listen to music. No wait..... that is what Bella ( one of her friends ) liked. She liked eating pizzas but only because her best friend Leila liked to do so. She thought of a number of things but after every thought, she realised that the only reason she liked to do that is because one or the other of her friends liked to do the same. The need to fit in had made her change so much tat she no longer knew her own self.

      What was the whole point of having friends when you can't be yourself with them?When you have to be extremely careful about what you say to them? And when you want to crack a joke but are not sure if you should because there is a very good chance that one of them will take it very personally and will start crying or get pissed off with you?

      Well, that is exactly what had happened with Tiana. So, she had been extra careful to omit her true feeling whenever she was with her friends. And now that this had became a habit, she had reached the shameful state of having no clue about herself.

      The sound of the bell indicating the end of the class saved her from one more painful minute of staring at the wall incredulously! Her ears were burning! If people could get a peep into her imagination,  they would have seen fire around her ears! It was at that moment that she finally became conscious about the main reason behind why she could not answer questions that were as simple as the ones asked in a slam book like - favourite food, favourite brand, the teacher you liked the most and blah blah blah!

  

     She generally didn't have answers to these; at least not fixed answers. It w mostly her mother of friends who made decisions for her. It was easier that way.

 

     With every passing minute, the thought that she didn't know about herself nagged her relentlessly. She didn't even remember when she had become so artificial. Tiana felt a sudden urge to find out more about herself.

     She did not want to get overshadowed by the people around her. She ha forgotten how to draw a line between truth and lies, reality and make believe..... and so she decided to find 'it' .... her original thoughts and options about everything..... answers to the very simple questions of her life.

Sitting on her bed now, she reflected that if she had not started the quest for answers so many months ago, she would probably be lying on one of the beds of emergency room of some hospital right now. She shuddered at the thought. Someone knocked at her door but she didn't want to talk to anyone. She felt guilty and responsible for what happened. She could have stopped it from happening. A small voice in her head told her, 'Stop kidding yourself. They wouldn't have listened to you.' Still, she could have tried. But now it was too late.

       another knock on the door brought her out of her trance. Someone was calling her name. That someone was her elder brother Sid. She didn't respond. She wanted to forget everything. She wanted to sleep.......

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