Perspectives

The One with the Pain

The horror had continued for 7 months, I wondered. 16 year old me sat in the corner of the classroom, trying to listen to our psychology teacher. "Rape victims" was the topic of today's psychology class, which had unlocked the doors to my past.

It has been years since we are living in an apartmental complex in Chennai. I remember my 11 year old self, kissing my mom on her cheeks and waving her goodbye as I boarded the school bus. Everything was normal until I returned from school and Ravi Uncle, our elevator operator, pressed the wrong button in the lift that day. He is an old man who had been working in our building since many years. He took me to an empty flat saying that my mom wasn't home and I could wait there until she returned. I wasn't aware that I would be stepping into a path which was heading miles away from humanity.

My nervous self sat in that empty flat while Ravi Uncle went away to get me something. I saw him returning with an orange drink. He had smiled as he had handed me that drink. As soon as I drank it, I started feeling giddy and the world around me blurred itself. My blurred vision could recognise him unbuttoning his shirt and soon I found myself lying on the ground and him all over me. The drink had zoned me out so much that I could neither scream nor rebel. My almost unconscious self just felt itself being torn apart into pieces. With every touch of his filthy hands, my childhood, my dignity everything spilled out and shattered around me. This continued for which seemed like a very long time, and every minute passed by stroking my heart into disparity.

When my senses returned, he threatened me that if I did not keep my mouth shut, I would find myself watching the video of his remorseless act online. I returned home and did not speak a word. I was so devastated that I almost left my emotions hanging in jeopardy. From then on, I had to prepare myself to face a group of ruthless men everyday. Each night, I couldn't help but wonder whose hands will be on me the next day? I would get nightmares : my blurred vision, my naked body being trapped in front of a group of men and then I would get up suddenly, I would lose my breath and burst into tears. Every day they continued stabbing my dignity while every night they continued to haunt me in my sleep.

I had stopped talking to everyone in school, I had ditched my favourite window seat in the bus. Everyday when I found myself returning from school, I knew I was heading towards a cage built out of inhumane hands and cruel souls where I would soon find myself naked, ready to be eaten raw into those desperate minds. Sometimes I was stabbed by an injection while at others I was made to sniff a white powder to make me slip into their iniquitious world. Everyday Ravi Uncle would take me to different parts of the complex where I would find a group of men waiting for me. This continued for almost 7 months.

Didi returned from Delhi during the summer break and I told her everything. This is when everything stopped. However, it left some irreparable scars on my childhood and the hearts of my loved ones.

I felt my teacher's hand stroking my back as I returned from this horrified flashback to the present world with tears dwelling in my eyes. It has been quite a few years since this happened, and maybe a part of me has indeed recovered from the living hell they put me through, but there's another part of me that will never recover. I don't think I'll be ever as youthful as I was when they first got to me, as, a small part of my heart still cries for it's lost 11 year old self.

-Rtr.Harshvardhan