Perspectives

7.

"I will have two kids when I grow up."
"I'd love to have two baby girls. Girls are just so mature..."
I rolled my eyes.
"Hey, wouldn't you want any?"
This was the exact moment I was left to decide on my own whether I wanted kids or not in the near future. I was certain I didn't want any but the reason behind it was never completely known to me.

Years passed and I still didn't have a clue. When Shaina said that the high school 'stud' Varun was her fantasy, I didn't find anything 'hot' in him particularly.
"You have a bad taste, Nancy. But hey, isn't there anyone you like in the campus?"
"Not really."
"You're lying. There's no teen in this world who doesn't have secret crushes."
"You know about my secret crushes, Shaina. But I don't find anything that can make me fantasize about it."
"What you're saying is totally contradictory. But I understand." 

I don't think she understood. How could she, I couldn't understand it myself. I couldn't figure out what it was. Why wasn't I drooling over guys as other girls did? Why didn't I think of guys with the adjectives that they threw about so casually? Because I don't mean it? But I do like guys. It's not that I like girls.

This wasn't the first time something like this had taken place. Even throughout college and university, I faced the same situation. I didn't, couldn't find myself physically attracted to anyone. The only things that seemed to matter to me were personalities.

Then, one day, as I was surfing the internet, I came upon a page describing sexualities. Being unfamiliar with the terms, I was hungry for more knowledge. I read through the article until I reached the section dedicated to asexuals. There were only a few lines written, but I found myself relating to the points given. This prompted me to look for websites dedicated to asexuals.

Reading up on them, I realized that I could identify myself as one if I wished to. On one hand, I had found an answer to the question which I had asked myself all these years, though I wasn't very sure if liked the answer. The knowledge that I wasn't 'normal' like other people my age haunted me for a long time. I was missing out on a lot of things that were taken for granted by people. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to feel the attraction, the thrill that they felt. I wanted to feel it all, if only for a day.

On the other, there was the question of whether I wanted to join the community. There were hundreds of groups and pages dedicated to and supporting people like me on social media sites. It took me a while, but I started accepting the fact. I contacted other asexuals on social media. They helped me to come to terms the with the idea. Eventually, I started identifying myself as an asexual too. I became an active member of the community which I joined. I helped other young people come to terms with their sexualities.

However, everything wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Many a times, I encountered people who just couldn't understand that it's entirely possible to not be sexually attracted to others. That it's fine if I want to be with someone not for their sexual appeal, but for their personality and for how they made me feel. There were days when it got particularly difficult. Days where I questioned my decision to accept myself as a part of the LGBTQ+ community. But then I thought about how much it had helped me and I decided against leaving it.

When the Indian government decriminalised section 377 of IPC, I was ecstatic. Though it didn't give us all the rights we deserved, it was a start. It would take a long time, but one day, there would be a world devoid of discrimination. A world where being yourself wasn't a crime. A world where every individual was allowed to express themselves without fear. Meanwhile, I and countless others like me will keep on hoping.

-Jhil Mehta