Perspectives

1.

"Rohan, come have lunch."
My nervousness increased as I heard my mom's voice. The thoughts in my head began to wander. I started anticipating worst case scenarios as I paced around the room. This was something that I had wanted to do a long time ago, but had lacked the courage for back then. But now was the time. After a while, the door creaked as I pushed it open.

My gaze anxiously scanned the drawing room, before my eyes rested on my mom. There she was, sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. Taking a deep breath, I headed towards her, fretting more and more with each passing second. I sensed my throat drying up the closer I came to her. I sat there near her, trying to picture how she would react. It was only when she looked up at me with a heart warming smile, that I gathered the courage to say in a meek voice, "I want to tell you something". She asked me what it was with concern in her voice. The concern comforted me. I squirmed where I was sitting on the chair. This is it, I decided, and spoke up. I placed my hands on the table and uttered, "Mom, I'm dating a boy."

A sudden change in her expression disheartened me. I could no longer look into her eyes. Was I doing something wrong? Is she disappointed in me? From the corner of my eye, I saw her body stiffen. My breath got heavier. Stone cold silence dawned over the room. A few moments, which felt like hours passed before she broke the silence in the room by asking: "When ..when did you.." Watching her at a loss of words, I interrupted.

" I realized I'm gay when I was in school. I waited so many years to come out because I didn't quite know how to .." I lowered my gaze and my voice cracked up. I asked her if she disliked me now.

I immediately felt her hand squeeze mine. She didn't say anything, but her thumb caressing my palm felt good. Almost like an assurance that she accepts me. It acted as the console I required to voice my thoughts further.
I went ahead and narrated my feelings, more so my journey to her.

"Back in school, when my friends spoke about girls I had always felt uncomfortable. I knew I was different from the rest. When I was attracted to a boy at the age of 16, I tried my best to subdue it. I didn't know whom to confide in. The fear of becoming the laughing stock of my school held me back from opening up. So I began spending time reading online, wondering if maybe I wasn't the only one...and I wasn't!

Reading about others' experiences made me feel better. Occasionally, I thought about expressing my feelings to the guy but in the back of my mind, I knew he won't understand. No one would. It would probably make my life worse. So I decided not to act on it. I began studying harder to distract myself.

A few months later, I met Atul in college. We shared common interests and so we began spending more time together. I connected well with him. We gradually grew fond of each other. I could let go of the ever-present pretence when I was with him. It helped me gain confidence in myself. The way he holds me makes me feel complete. I can gladly say that we're really happy together."

On hearing me out, her expression changed. Her facial muscles relaxed. She then got up to hug me. The warmth was pacifying.
"Beta, why don't you have lunch first?" and she walked towards the kitchen to serve me.
I understood her discomfort. She would probably take a while to get used to the truth. But it was satisfying to know she respects me for who I am. Now there was one less person in front of whom I would have to pull a pretence of who I am. I was accepted. It felt liberating.

I realised that it was a long way with a lot more struggles before I would be accepted in the society. But this was a start, a hopeful one. A better future awaits me and many more. Who would have thought coming out would be the most exhilarating experience that there is?

-Rtr.Vamika Kedia