Letters from J

For E

For E

7/26/14

E,

You broke my heart today.  I saw you with her and you put a ring in her finger as she put a ring in yours. I didn't see everything clearly at first but one glimpse moved me to tears. It was as if, an avalanche was upon me but I could not move. So this is how heartbreak feels like.

I know it had been a while and I thought I had since gotten over whatever it was I had for you. I had grown to accept that all the 'almosts' and the moments that were 'so close' were simply my imagination running wild. That when you said that it was I whom you loved, it wasn't real, it wasn't true.

You're so unfair, you know. Whenever I've managed to free myself from you, you creep your way into my dreams and my nightmares. And on occasion you invade my reality. You, with your longing eyes and the enchanting smiles and those strong arms wrapped around me tight, seemingly not wanting to let go. The look you give me when we see each other, as if you want to hold me, take me away, to tell me you wanna be with me. The midnight drunken conversations, telling me you need me and asking me to never leave. I wonder why up until that point I believed all of it.

You do that all the time. Pushing my buttons but leaving me hanging. 18 fucking years and you never let me leave, not even for a second. It didn't matter that I had someone in my life and that you had someone in yours. You always tug at the string you tied around my soul. And like a puppet, I find my way back to you. You didn't care that I had found some form of happiness beyond you. Or were you just too selfish to let me be happy without you?

I can't even properly say goodbye when I have to. You make it seem like it's my fault when it is entirely yours. I hate that I can let you be happy without me. I hate that I have to see you happy with her.

You led me on. You knew you had my heart since the day we met. You took it and never gave it back. I thought it was because you would give me yours one day. But that day never came.  It will never ever come.

You are my first and only heartbreak.

I never thought I'd have my soul shattered into a million tiny pieces. Until last night. 

I know this now.

You will never give me your heart.

But you will always have mine.

J