Keeper of the Flame - Is It Love? Colin Fan Fic #2

Chapter 19

I lay there, thinking about how much he's gone through, how hard he's had it and yet he's come out of it like a Phoenix out of the flames. He took his rotten childhood and anger and turned it into something that he can be proud of, my heart breaks at what must be going through his brain, I'm grateful he let me in and didn't turn me away. I listen as his breathing deepens, the day has caught up with him, though I'm still very awake. I lay beside him for a solid hour until I know he is no longer awake and slip out of bed, my brain not relaxing, thoughts keeping me from sleep.

I grab a blanket and slip into the chair looking over the water, how could a mother do that to her children? My thoughts spread through my body and I subconsciously curl my arms around my abdomen, holding myself protectively. I grew up with a mother who hovered over everything I did, I couldn't breathe unless she gave me permission, the day I walked out of that house and broke those ties I think I broke the relationship I had with her but really was it a relationship? Or was I just her puppet? Though she wasn't the best example at least she was present. I close my eyes and reminisce about my childhood, from the times she refused to allow me to play in mud puddles as a child, because ladies didn't get dirty, to scolding me for bringing food to a homeless man because he was filthy. I sigh, I couldn't go out unless Samuel accompanied me, my parents grooming me to unit the families and marry him. Disciplining me endlessly trying to explore my own dreams because I was just to sit and do as I was told as a proper woman should do.

I think to my good memories of my first piano, though I couldn't play anything I wanted, I smile slightly at the look on my mother's face when I taught myself "November Rain" for a high school talent show she thought I'd be doing Beethoven I was grounded for a month got that one and they took my piano away. I think back to my friends growing up, none of them had even bothered to contact me until the band got famous and Colin proposed and even at that point it was mostly for bragging rights online. None of them have even really messaged me beyond that even Kristy the girl that I'd been friends with since I was 8 hasn't even sent me a message since I originally left Rochester, it's like I left and everyone forgot I existed, and most of the time it's ok with me, I don't miss anything, I have Matt and Lisa who have been the most supportive a person could ask for. Lisa & Matt who no matter what send me a message daily via social media to make sure everything is going well and smoothly.

I continue watching outside as I think, my mother still refuses to talk to me when I call, or even reply when I Facebook her or email. I know she's active and online, I know she reads emails, Colin set my emails up so that I could see when she received them.

I hear his light snores as I sit thinking. I never really had a great example of parenthood growing up, and as I get older she becomes even less of an authority figure. Could I be a mother? I sit back and think. We use protection, I make sure to take my pill daily, we often don't have time for condoms, but there is always a chance, plus one we are married, what if he wants our own family.... My breath catches as I think, I don't know if I could do it, would I fail as a parent? His parents failed in the way of non parenting, where as mine failed by over parenting. I spread my hands on my stomach and I feel my anxiety raise. I know by his behavior he'd be an amazing father, but me, I'm not so sure anymore. I really don't even have anyone to talk to, I'm sure my mother would just continue to ignore me.

I sigh deeply looking out the window pane, my thoughts going back to the situation this afternoon. She abandoned Colin, and from what little he's told me his father used his fists more than his words. How could a mother do that, it's their responsibility to protect their children, I feel anger and hatred building in me over this woman, how dare she even think she was doing the right thing, what a selfish choice. She could of brought him with her, at this thought my heart constricts, if she'd done that though would we of met? Or would we be forever searching for each other? Would he of found another? Guaranteed. I'd be with Samuel as I was expected to be, and would probably of had children by now, again as I would be expected to. How different would our lives be, would we be as happy as we are? Will I likely let him down? God I hope not.