Totally Not Me ( 1D/ N.H. / Niall Horan)

Chapter 12

Cailin's POV

"Cailin! Hurry up or else you are going to be late!" My mom hollers from downstairs.

Shit! I almost forgot about my appointment with Dr. Lorenson tonight!

Ryan looks at me impatiently as I jump up from my homework.

"I'm sorry. I have to run. Can I text you later? I'll get your number from Brent." I say quickly as I rush out of my room and down the hall without waiting for his response.

Holy shit! That was close! I will give him an answer tonight...I'm just not sure exactly what I want to give him. My life is such a cluster fuck!

I scurry into my mom's car and we start down our long driveway. We sit in silence all the way to my appointment.

We make our way to the waiting room and do my least favorite thing in the world...wait. Within ten minutes, Dr. Lorenson opens the door and calls me in.

I enter her office as she closes the door behind me and assume my usual seat on the couch across from her chair. I've been visiting this office for the past four months.

"How has your week been, Cailin?" She asks as she begins every appointment.

"It was pretty good, I guess. I found out today that I made the volleyball team at school." I say proudly.

"That's really good. I'm glad to hear you followed through with what we talked about last week about making the best of where you are at. Are you making friends at your new school?"

"Yeah. Sort of. I mean, I hang out with a group of people at school. I'd really only call one person in that group my friend...maybe."

"Cailin, why do you insist on keeping people at such a distance?"

"I don't know." I shrug. "It just doesn't feel right."

"And why doesn't feel right?"

"I wouldn't be fair to Debbie. She was the best friend I could have ever asked for. I'm not going to just toss her aside and find a replacement."

"Cailin, it isn't tossing her aside or finding a replacement. Debbie can always be your best friend but that shouldn't stop you from having a close friend or two. There are no rules or laws that say you can't move on with your life slowly. There is room in your heart for more."

I stare down at my hands in my lap and pick at the sleeves on my hoodie. After a few minutes, I ask, "When does it stop hurting?...The ache, the sadness, and the loneliness all piled into my heart. When does it stop hurting?"

"Well, that is completely up to you. It takes time but with some effort and willingness to heal, you'll get there. I guess the question would be 'are you willing to heal?' "

Am I willing to heal? I'd like to say yes but it just isn't coming that easy.

"I want to...I really want to." I answer as Dr. Lorenson hands me a tissue to wipe the tears that have begun streaming down my face.

"How are things living with your mother?" She inquires after giving me a minute to compose myself.

"As good as can be expected, I guess." I sigh.

"I know it is an adjustment but remember how we talked about not being so stand-offish and embrace your new family. Your mother is happy and really wants you to be happy again."

"I'm trying." I respond.

"And that's all we can ask for." She says as she looks at the clock. "We have about ten minutes left."

We make a little small talk and finish up. I stand up to make my way out of her office. I maul over whether I'm willing to heal or not all the way home in silence. My mom has learned not to push too much conversation after these appointments. Dr. Lorenson doesn't give her specifics but lets her know how I'm progressing. I guess the general consensus is that I'm slowly getting better.

We make our way into the house and are immediately stopped by Brent going ape shit at me.

"You left him waiting, Cailin?! God! You are a piece of work!" He yells as stops a couple feet from me.

"Who?! What's going on?" My mom pipes up just as I open my mouth to let everyone know I was just going to text the asshole.

"Ryan asks her to homecoming and she blew him off!" Brent explains to my mom who then turns to me with her mouth open.

"Cailin! That was rude!" She ridicules me.

I finally find my voice, "Jesus Christ! I was going to answer him but we were running late to my appointment. So, I apologized and promised him I'd text him when I got home. I was going to get his number from you before you came at me." I state the facts to both of them.

"That doesn't discount the fact you were rude." My mom adds.

"That doesn't discount his poor timing." I answer.

"You're going with him and we're double dating." Brent demands.

"I can't go if you don't give me his number to accept, now can I?" I sass him.

His jaw tightens and he gives me Ryan's number.

"Do not tell him you were seeing a shrink and DO NOT jeopardize my friendship with him or my reputation." He says with clenched teeth.

"Don't break a tooth! It'll put a damper on that million dollar smile of yours." I say as I see him slowly unclench his jaw. Ha! What a vain piece of shit!

"Just make sure you answer him right now." He says and storms off.

"Cailin, you need to work on your manners. Answer that boy right away before you return to your homework and apologize to him for being rude...and then apologize to Brent for making his friend wait."

"Wait! What?!" Apologize to Brent?! Is she fucking serious right now?!

"You heard me. You can't come into this family and make tidal waves after things have run so smoothly for them for years. We want to be a good fit." My mom says and immediately branches off towards the kitchen leaving me alone in the entryway.

I pull out my phone and begin to type, "Sorry for running out without answering. I'll go with you to homecoming."

I hit send as the vial starts to build in the back of my throat. A night with Ryan and Brent in all their glory? Who wouldn't want that?

I roll my eyes, let out a sigh, and head towards my room when my phone indicates a text coming through.

"I understand. I figured you would say yes. I just wanted to go through the formality." Ryan responds.

I settle in to finishing my homework fighting with my mind to stay focused. I keep sifting through how this whole evening went. The only bright side of it was Lou and I making the team...and Niall caring if I made it. I pause on the last thought, smile, and finish my homework.

A/N- I'm sorry. I couldn't leave you hanging too long. Please vote, share, and/or comment! Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate it! :)