~TW: Mentions of suicide and self-harm~
Calum wipes his tears as a picture of him and Ashton appears on his feed. It's been a month, one painful month without him. Its been an entire fucking month since the love of Calum's life left him. It's been the worst month of Calum's life since Ashton committed suicide.
~1 Month Ago~
Calum approached Ashton's apartment with a bouquet of roses in his hand, since it was their 6 month anniversary. He knocked on Ashton's door and waited for his handsome boyfriend to open the door, but he never did. He was probably still getting ready so Calum used the spare key Ashton gave him, and unlocked the door.
"Ash? You almost ready babe?" He called through the apartment, but he never received a response. He ran to Ashton's room and let out an ear-shattering scream when he saw his boyfriend hanging from his ceiling fan. Sobs racked Calum's body as he cut Ashton down and called 911. He held Ashton's body in his arms and cried while he kept telling Ashton he would be okay even though Calum knew the truth. The younger boy noticed a letter sitting on Ashton's desk so he got up and grabbed it and he sat on Ashton's bed and read his letter.
Dear Calum,
Baby I am so sorry. I'm sorry I did this, I'm sorry for all the pain you are probably going to go through, I'm sorry for everything. I love you so much baby, but the pain is too much for me to handle. The band was getting way too stressful and my mental health was never in the best place. I was depressed and I couldn't seem to get myself out of it. You were my everything Calum, and I wish there was some other way, but there isn't and I'm so fucking sorry. I tried to get better for you baby, but nothing worked...Thanks for giving me the best 6 months of my life Calum. You mean the world to me baby and I hope you don't stress too much after I'm gone. Tell Michael and Luke that I love them, let them read this, whatever you have to do to make sure they understand. Tell the fans I will always love them and that I'm so incredibly thankful for all of them...
Calum, you are my world, my everything, my prince, and the love of my life. I love you so much it hurts, and it's killing me just knowing that it had to end this way. Please don't hurt yourself over me, okay? Promise me baby...it's all I want...goodbye baby, I love you forever and ever.
Love, Ash xx
Calum held the note in his arms as he sobbed even harder than before.
Eventually the paramedics came in and told Calum that the love of his life was gone. Hearing the words come out of the paramedics caused Calum to let out a heart wrenching scream as he fell to the ground sobbing harder than he ever had before.
"I love you baby," Calum whispered as the paramedics wheeled Ashton out of the room.
~Present Day~
Calum sighed as he laid on the couch, unmoving like he had for the last month. Yes, he got up sometimes to go to the bathroom, eat (barely), and shower (again, barely), and sometimes he went to the grocery store down the street for more food, but other than that he laid there in Ashton's hoodie just watching TV and scrolling through Instagram and Twitter. Luke and Michael came over sometimes, but they were almost as depressed at Calum was so they didn't do much either. The band decided to go on a hiatus for an undetermined amount of time, and every fan understood. Everyone just wanted Ashton back.
He forced himself to get up and he walked into Ashton's room and sat in his bed like he did everyday like clock work. He decided to clean it since it could distract him, and it's something that needs to be done. As he started sorting through Ashton's closet, Calum found his old Led Zeppelin shirt that Ashton had stole from him the time they ran away together.
~3 Months Ago~
Calum woke up to his phone ringing at 3:30am, and he immediately knew who it was.
"Hey baby what's up?" Calum asked, yawning in the middle of his sentence.
"Um can you come over, please Cal?" The older boy asked, his voice shaking slightly. Calum pressed his shoulder to his ear as he got dressed and grabbed his keys off the counter.
"Yeah sure, why?" Calum asked as he got in his car and started the 10 minute drive to Ashton's place.
"I just need you..." Ashton said, his voice cracking as he let out a sob. With that, Ashton hung up so Calum sped up.
He reached Ashton's apartment and threw open the door considering it was unlocked. He ran into Ashton's room where he saw his boyfriend sitting on the floor sobbing, a razor in his hand. He noticed that Ashton hadn't used it yet, but he may have if Calum had come any later.
"Baby what's wrong?" Calum asked engulfing Ashton in his arms.
"I can't take the fame anymore. I can't take the constant pressure, I can't take it Calum, I can't fucking take it!" Ashton cried as he looked into Calum's eyes. Calum kissed him, trying to calm him down.
"I know baby, I feel it too, we all feel it, but you don't need to hurt yourself over it. I can't lose you baby, I just can't..." Calum whispered.
"Can we go somewhere?" Ashton asked after a few minutes of silence.
"Go where babe?" Calum asked, confused because everything was closed right now.
"Anywhere, let's run away from it all...not forever but just for a few days, please?" Ashton pleaded, and Calum gave in because he would do anything to see Ashton's smile appear on his face again. So, the next day after a message to Luke and Michael the two boys headed off to be alone, and that was the last time Calum saw Ashton wearing his Led Zeppelin shirt.
~Present Day~
Calum noticed the shirt still smelled like Ashton, so in order to feel closer to him, Calum put on his shirt and walked into kitchen, and he noticed Ashton's coffee cup still sitting on the counter. He stared at it for a few moments before turning away and heading back into the living room. He sat there for the rest of the day and decided to finally sleep at around 4, but tonight he was going to try and sleep in Ashton's room for the first time in a while. He walked in the older boy's room and stared at the bed, and then he realized he couldn't do it. It would cause him too much pain, so he decided to sleep out in the living room like he does every night.
"Ashton, why did you leave me? How could you do this, how could you abandon me. I'm so lost without you, I barely eat, I barely move, I barely function without you! But, I know you were hurting, but why was the only option for you to kill yourself ?! Why was the only option the one that hurt me the most, the one that kills me inside? I know you're happier though, you are somewhere better than here, and it comforts me a tiny bit. I love you Ashton, so much. The world isn't the same without you baby, my feet dont dance like they did with you my love...nothing is the way it used to be. You made such an impact on all of us, it's hard to move on Ash...but Im going to be strong, for you Ash, because I know you want me to be strong...I love and miss you baby, I'll see you again one day," Calum said to himself as he scrolled through the photos of him and Ashton once more.
Calum wished he could have been there for him. He wished he knew what Ashton was planning, so he could have stopped him, but he didn't know and it killed him inside. It killed him to look around Ashton's empty apartment and still hear the faint sounds of Ashton's laughter, it killed him that every time he went into Ashton's room he expected him to be there smiling at him from the foot of his bed, it killed him to know that Ashton killed himself and there was nothing he could do to change that. Calum started sobbing again, and slowly fell asleep clutching a pillow and wishing that it was the boy he loved dearly.
