If You Were My Love

I was packing yet again, I swear I'm always fucking packing, always going somewhere. I guess I can't really complain much because this was the life I chose and I love it, I really do. It was just hard as hell to cut my tour short when I was so happy with how it was all going. I felt like I could finally actually feel comfortable singing and performing the way I wanted to. I was able to decide how I wanted things to turn out. It was really liberating for me. It really was too bad that it couldn't have enjoyed it longer, but the band was already acting like asses over the whole thing. I read an article a couple of months ago that Lindsey, Mick, and Christine had given and they tried to make it seem like I had abandoned them. It seemed mainly like jealousy on Lindsey's part but was was new about that. It hurt coming from Chris and Mick mainly because I want them all to do well. I know we can make the band work and all do separate things in between. I prayed for Lindsey's album to do well. I want him to be happy. I still love Lindsey and I really do want the best for him, but he doesn't feel the same way for me. I know he's still angry about our breakup but he has Carol Ann. A few people have pointed out our similarities to me but honestly I didn't see it at all. Blonde hair, ok. She was small, but not as small as I am. Our faces look completely different and honestly everything about us was different. We have the same birthday, big deal. I did notice that the longer she was around she started dressing more like me which is totally ridiculous. Oh and she's best friends with Sara. Big deal, she can have Sara, she took Mick right out from under me. That's not a friend I want. The biggest difference between Carol Ann and me is that she follows Lindsey around like sick little puppy letting him command her. No one in hell tells me what to do, even though Lindsey still tries. I heard he had roughed her up a few times. I feel sorry for her in that way, but Lindsey would have never dared touch me. He never even raised a hand to me. But whatever, enough about those two. They can keep living their wonderfully fabulous life in Bel Air. I have Jimmy now. He's really good to me and he wants the best for me. I hope Lindsey doesn't act like an ass when we get there. It probably isn't a good idea to be staying in the same house in France, Lindsey still is totally jealous but he shouldn't care what I do anymore. We haven't been together for 5 years and Jimmy makes me happy now. We're totally excited because I'm bringing some great songs in for the recording. I think that Jimmy is mainly coming to make sure Lindsey doesn't fuck them up. Jimmy really is a brilliant producer and he'll make sure my songs are beautiful. Lindsey used to be that way. When Lindsey really wants to try, no one knows my songs any better. Jimmy doesn't even think I should go back to the band. He says my solo career is doing great and I could go restart my tour and start recording my second album, but that's not what I want. I love being in a band and I never really wanted to be a solo artist, but I have to get my songs out there. The few that go onto the Mac albums are just not enough and they're never usually the ones I really want on there anyway. So I'll do both. "Stevie are you about ready? We need to leave." Jimmy said from the stairway. "Yeah but I'm going to need you to help with this stuff." I told him. I had probably packed way too much, but I always do. Everyone should be used to it by now. "Christ Stevie did you pack everything in the fucking house?" he asked me when he walked in the room. I flipped him off. Childish maybe but oh well. I walked into the bathroom to do a line before we left, just a little bit to keep me going. I tossed the container into my purse before we walked out. "You can't take that shit into France Stevie." Jimmy told me, much to my annoyance. He was always giving me a hard time about it. It wasn't like he didn't use it sometimes, too. I sighed. "I know Jimmy. I just have enough for the flight. It's a fucking long flight!" I yelled. I don't know why I'm yelling, but I am. "Besides it's not like I'll have any extra with everyone else on the flight." I said honestly. We all were using it, probably way too much but we needed it. He looked at me kind of funny for a minute probably making sure I wasn't going to start yelling again. I followed him out to the car and the whole ride over I felt way nervous. More nervous than I should be. I just don't know how Lindsey's going to react to me bringing Jimmy. I've been with Jimmy for awhile now. Hell, he moved in with me two weeks after we met, but I never brought men around Lindsey. He already questioned me over every line of every song that I wrote wanting to know who it was about. So I just anxious for his reaction. I guess Jimmy could sense my anxiousness and he grabbed my hand. I smiled at him, trying to thank him wordlessly. "Stevie don't worry. I don't care about Lindsey or whatever immature bullshit he tries to pull. I love you and I'm coming to be with you." he told me, trying to reassure me. "I love you, too." I replied before looking back down. Maybe Jimmy wasn't concerned about Lindsey but if Lindsey wasn't happy then he would make sure I was fucking miserable. I've learned that the hard way.