If You Were My Love

Straight Back

I sat in my room for hours just getting high and drunk. This day was just too heavy. I didn't understand what had happened with Jimmy. Maybe he was just getting tired of my lifestyle, I don't know. But I needed someone who would understand and stay with me when I needed them most. He hadn't done that. I don't know what's going to happen with that but I think it probably is over. I sat for awhile just thinking about the day, then drinking more to numb the pain of it all. I got the coke out and poured a bit on my wrist and let it fill my nostrils. I leaned back and closed my eyes when I heard a knock on the door. Probably Christine to check on me. God knows we had a lot to talk about. "Come in." I called quietly. The door opened and I was surprised to see Lindsey. I sat up quickly and watched him survey my room. He closed the door and walked up to my bed. He moved the empty bottle of brandy from my bed and looked me in the eyes. "Christ Stevie, how much of all of this shit have you had? You look like you're out of your mind." he said. I felt anger building up in my chest. How dare he say that to me? Look at what he'd put me through today! "Why do you care Lindsey? It's not like it's any of your business. Why don't you just go back to your little girlfriend and talk some more shit about me and my album and my songs." I said angrily. I could tell he was angry and he paused for a minute before spitting out, "You're such a bitch when you're on this shit. The truth hurts doesn't it Stevie?" Before I knew what was I happening I had slapped him across the face. I could see the rage in his eyes and he came closer to me. I thought for a moment he was going to hit me but instead he grabbed my face and began to angrily kiss me. I had forgotten what it was like to kiss Lindsey. I felt the passion growing as I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back. It seemed to make him go crazy. He started kissing me harder and his breathing was faster. He moved his lips down to my neck and I felt my body going crazy. I felt fire where his lips had just been. I wanted him. He literally ripped my top off and normally I would have been pretty pissed about my clothes getting ruined but I wanted him so badly I didn't care. I removed my jeans for him and began to take his clothes off. When we were both finally bare I looked up at him and whispered, "Do it now Lindsey." and he began. There was no "love-making" to it. Love had nothing to do with it. We were both angry and hurt and were engaging in this emotional act. I ran my fingernails across his back and couldn't help be scream when I had reached my limit. There was something about sleeping with Lindsey. It really was so much better than it was with anyone else. We he rolled over next to me he looked at me in a way that I hadn't seen in a very long time. "Are you ok Stevie?" he asked. I paused for a minute but I was still pretty drunk and I told the truth about my feelings. Something I never do with Lindsey anymore. "I don't know. I've tried for so long to find someone that would love me and understand me and make me happy. I still end up alone. They always leave. I'm tired of being alone." I said. He looked at me sadly and pulled me to him. I wasn't used to this intimacy with Lindsey anymore. "I know Stevie. You'll never be alone if you don't want to be though. I'll always be here when you need me." he said softly. I was totally surprised by that. I was pretty sure Lindsey couldn't stand the sight of me. He had Carol Ann and had been with her for a long time. I wanted to believe the sincerity in his words but I just couldn't. So much had happened between us and I'm just not sure if we can get past it. Lindsey hasn't really changed. I've seen how he treats Carol Ann. Why should he treat me any better. I put my hand to his face and smiled. I didn't want to be rude when he was trying to be kind to me. I rolled over and moved to grab my robe. He watched me sadly knowing that I was ending the moment. I watched him lay there for a minute before I spoke. "Carol is going to be looking for you." I told him slowly. He looked at me and I could tell he wanted to protest but he didn't. He just put his clothes on and gave me a kiss before he walked out.

Lindsey was coming to "check" on me every night. He was staying a little longer everytime. I was starting to get worried because I thought I was starting to really let myself love him again. I can't let myself love him when he is with Carol. We also haven't worked out any of our old issues. Sex and music were always the two things Lindsey and I were best at. I just knew I was going to have to stop this when I was sad to watch him walk out of my room. He was going back to his and Carol's room and it was bothering me so much more than it should. I lit up a joint so that I could relax and try to get my mind off of things. Jimmy had called a few times and it just was pretty clear to me that we couldn't work this out. He was still adamant that I quit the band I still wasn't going to. I stopped taking the calls, I just didn't have it in me to fight anymore. I could hear screaming from the hallway. What now? I opened a door a little to see what was going on. I saw Lindsey and Carol downstairs and Lindsey was trying to force her to leave. "Leave Carol!" he shouted. "Lindsey please, don't make me leave! I love you Lindsey!" she cried. Lindsey laughed angrily at her. "Please Carol spare me. I don't love you. You're embarrassing yourself. Go now." he said. He opened the door for her and turned around. I quickly stepped back into my room before he noticed me. I waited almost holding my breath waiting to hear his door close. Instead I heard a knock at my own door and he came in. "I saw you out there Stevie." he told me plainly. "I'm sorry, I just heard yelling and I was trying to figure out what was going on." I tried to explain. "I'm not mad Stevie." he reassured me. What was he doing? "Stevie I still love you. I know you love me too. Can't we just try to work on things?" he asked. I wasn't really expecting this at all. I do love him, I just want my old Lindsey back. "Say something Stevie." he pressed. "I don't know what to say Lindsey. I'm like totally shocked this happened. I do love you and I wish we could make things work, but it scares me too." I told him honestly. I never thought we would be having this conversation. "Why?" he asked me. "We were in a really bad place for a really long time. I don't want to go back there. I don't think I would make it through it again. Look how fucked up we are now." I tried to explain. I could tell he was thinking and then he finally looked back at me and said, "Why don't we just take it slow then. We don't have to immediately go back to basically being married. Let's just take our time and do it right this time, ok?" I thought for a few minutes and I could tell he was getting impatient. I mean was this really what I wanted? Lindsey had made me really miserable for a really long time. Lindsey had also made me happier than anyone else ever had. Maybe if he was willing to take it slow we really could work it out this time. "Ok Lindsey, I'll give us another shot. But I really do want to take our time on this." I told him, hoping I had made the right decision. He grinned at me and pounced. He really was so adorable when he was happy.