If You Were My Love

That's Alright

My whole life, my whole perspective changed in just a few hours. I just didn't know what to do about all of it. Me a mother? Stevie Nicks as a mother had to be the most laughable concept in the world. I'm totally great with kids but I don't live the lifestyle. I literally stayed in bed for 3 weeks. I had sworn Lori to secrecy so no one knew about what I was going through. I had terrible morning sickness but I was also having withdraws from the coke. I didn't know what I was going to do about the baby but I didn't want to cause it any harm. Lori stayed with me the whole time. We ran through all my options. Obviously things weren't going to work with Lindsey. He had hurt me time after time and I wasn't going to convince him to stay with me. It would totally break my mom's heart if I had a baby without a husband and my father would be appalled. I had already disappointed them in so many ways I really didn't want to do it again. Not to mention that I was getting ready to go on another tour. I hated to do it and it really broke my heart but I knew I couldn't keep this baby. Lori scheduled me an appointment to be checked out, I had to know how far along I was and talk to the doctor before I could schedule an abortion. Lori had really been so good and understanding through all of this. She was truly the best friend I had ever had. I had to get all of this taken care of soon because we started rehearsals in two weeks. Lori drove me to my appointment and held my hand the whole time that I waited. The doctor had a few questions for me, from what I thought I was probably about 8 weeks. The doctor said he would have to actually do an ultrasound to determine for sure and I had to have one before I could terminate anyway. I squeezed Lori's hand tightly and looked away as he began to put the gel on my stomach. I had to do this, I couldn't allow myself any chance to get attached. I shivered as he moved the cold gel around my stomach. I just wanted it to be over with as soon as possible. My heart stopped as I heard it. It was a fast thrumming noise. I realized it was the heartbeat of my baby. Against my better judgement I looked over at the screen. I gasped when I saw it. I could see my baby. It's little head and body. I had never known that it would look like a baby at this point but there it was. In that moment that baby became real to me. The second I heard it's little heartbeat it had captured my heart. I couldn't do anything to harm this baby. It was part of me, literally at this point but in a really emotional sense at the same time. I could do this without Lindsey, the band would have to understand that my child would be my first priority, not that I would tell them anytime soon. My parents might be disappointed but my mother would probably be more upset if I ended the life of their only unborn grandchild. Honestly though, in those brief minutes I realized that nothing else mattered but that tiny baby growing inside of me. I would die to protect it. I was so lost in my own world that the doctor had to repeat my name before I even heard him. "Stephanie?" he asked impatiently. I immediately gave him my attention. "I'm sorry, you were saying?" I replied. "We will need to schedule your termination quickly if you are planning on leaving soon. You will have to have some time to recover." he stated. My head snapped up quickly. "That won't be necessary. I've changed my mind." I stated matter of factly. He gave me a smile, I could tell he was happy with my decision. Lori looked at me for moment. "Are you sure Stevie?" she asked. She knew how adamant I had been about not having the baby. I nodded my head. The doctor handed me a print out of the first picture of my beautiful baby. I couldn't stop looking at it. 

Lori continued to amaze me with how fantastic she was being able the whole thing. I think deep down she wanted me to keep the baby the whole time, but she wasn't going to pressure me into doing anything. I was really dreading rehearsal and the tour. I decided that I wanted to do this completely without Lindsey. Maybe I would find someone that would be a father for our baby at some point in my life, but I'm not going to look for it. I've got enough shit going on right now. Lindsey may be my baby's biological father but he would never be a father to it. Lori eased my fears by insisting that she come with me. I was relieved, I needed someone that I could confide in and someone that wouldn't be trying to get me drunk and high. I hadn't done anything since I found out about the baby but the temptation was still there. I was still fighting withdrawals and I didn't need any extra temptation. I was going into a battle I knew because they were wanting to go on a year long tour but so far all we had booked were the first 6 months. I'm going to have to nix the last half of the tour because I just wouldn't be able to do it. It's not feasible. I'm already going to be cutting it way too close as it is. I'm almost 3 months pregnant now and as the tour stands I'll be 9 months before I finish it. I don't even know if I can finish it as it stands now. "Stevie we've got to go." Lori tells me. I really don't want to do this. If the tour wasn't already book I would back out now. I can't though, this is my job. I straightened my clothes and followed Lori out to the car. "I'm not ready for this. I don't want any of them to know." I tell Lori. "Stevie calm down. No one can tell that you're pregnant at this point. We'll meet with Margi after rehearsal and we'll have her make some clothes that will hide this for as long as you want." She reassured me. "I know, I'm just not ready to fight with them over not doing a year long tour. I really can't do it though." I complained. "I know Stevie, but I don't think it would be a bad idea to let Christine in on what's going on. It would be nice for you to have someone on your side." Lori suggested. I didn't disagree that it would probably be a big help, but I didn't know how Chris would take it. She told me just a couple of months ago not to fuck it up and I totally had. I didn't know how supportive she would be on this, especially about me not telling Lindsey. I told Lori as much and she thought maybe I should just play out the situation. I think she's right. We'll just see how it goes.