Train Of Thought: Delayed

I Want To Break Down And Cry

It's all been too much.

These past few days, weeks, months, years, it's like as I go on all everything does is get harder. Harder and harder, more painful, more catastrophic with each failed task, more chance of bad outcomes with each risk taken, the sudden stress of having to choose what I want to do with my life, where I want to be heading, the goals I am meant to have already set out for my future self.

Truth is I have no idea, no füçking clue, not even a hint of an idea.

Truth is I'm not even sure of myself anymore, it seems as though ever since I started high school my confidence waved goodbye. But I try. The mask I wear fits well, slowly moulding to my face even better over the years. Quick someone's coming closer wipe your tears, hide the raw lines, sit up straight little soldier no one wants to see your battle wounds or hear your pathetic cries of pain. Stiffen up solider.

Problem solved, or not. The thing with wearing a mask, it's not truely me. The mask I wear is of the person other people see me as, it's the person I try so hard to be, in the hopes that if I wear this mask for so long I will slowly become that person. Turns out I was wrong.

Now I'm a mess, and muddled up image of the person I wish to be and the füçk up I truely am, polar opposite characteristics pulling against each other driving me insane, the voices won't shut up.

I'm lost, I'm being tossed around through the layers of life, one back breaking blow to another. What has my life come to? What's lined up for me for me next?