Train Of Thought: Delayed

Looking

Where has it all gone?

That drive I once had, that blaze behind my eyes, fire in my soul.

Everything burnt out? that feels about right. Smouldering ash and soot are all that's left behind? The world seems so cold now without having this internal presence, the comforting warmth. the life inside me now empty, barren and scorched. An ugly scar. The roar of the flame that provided a comforting white noise disappeared like a friend I've fallen out of touch with. Everything is so quiet now, too quiet. I've fallen out of touch with myself.

I remember the days when the flame got too loud when thinking wasn't an option. Sometimes it helped, others it was too much. I'd sit there with my hands over my ears, wanting nothing more but for it all to end. I guess I got my wish in the end.

Now everything is a struggle. As I attempt to light that inferno again, I'm striking flint and steel onto the dampness left behind in place of the glow. Drenched with salty tears and kept in the dark with no light to dry it out.

Here I am, a shell. Lifeless. Loveless. Lonely. Laughter is bitter to the burned mouth.

When will it all come back?

Because...

I miss the dancing of the light. I miss the energy propelling me, the animation inside me.

I wanted the stillness, the silence to be at peace but now I think I wear the liveliness, the bellowing of conflict better.