Train Of Thought: Delayed

On Another Low

Yet another breakdown. Caught up in the ways of life, I've lost myself. My identity up and left stripping me down bare. Skin and bone and all alone. Nights are longer, laughs are shorter the sun seems happy behind those clouds. That's fine, but I'm not. Not happy. Not fine. Not myself. There's a deep ache inside me, right down to my soul I want to cry out but I won't; too many stares too many odd looks. People offering me help, reassurance but what can they do? This is my problem, I'm in the place, this mess, by myself as I'm the person that has to carry this and make it through this fight. the looks, the stares, the reassurance only exist to fix the guilt on others minds. They save it for when I do slip up and they see me, the mess I call myself. Mistake number one, letting someone catch me off guard and ask if I "was okay". Dammit. 

Never lasts through the thought, that I am, passes and they're off again brushing my burdens off like ash; the ash of my dreams which seem to have gone up in smoke. That's good, good that they continue and forget me. I never want to be that person, that burden on someone's mind. Never liked those looks, especially when they are directed at me. I don't want your empathy and understanding. I may need it but I don't want it. Only makes me feel more crap inside. Only then do I realise just how shit of a time I'm having right now. I cried at school the other day, something I rarely ever do is cry even more rarely at school; but I did. Everything caught up to me. I slipped up; that's the thing with always trying to be one step ahead of your emotions it just means they're still there when you take a misstep always waiting for you to fall so they can catch up and hit you hard. 

I have now become that burden once again. People tell me its fine; the ones I trust let me know it's only human to feel this way "you can't always give". But I'm not giving, I'm taking. All my friend's problems I take them away and make them feel better; I polish off their smile and help them put it back on their face. Giving away my problems, that's not who I am. But shit do I do a fine job of it. Idiot. How could I be so dumb?

But a hug that I don't start would be nice once in a while. Just a small action that gives me a glimmer of hope someone sees through me and is there. that they looked me up and down and thought I needed one before I had to even ask. Fuck man, how did I let myself get back into this mindset? I was doing so well.