Train Of Thought: Delayed

The Past That Haunts

My grandmother called the other day, left a massage on my burner phone. Everything I felt back then came flooding back to me, anger and vulnerability, the guilt, I swear I could smell the soft but unforgettable aroma of her smokes that stained my clothes, my skin and everything else in that house. I have no idea how she got the number but I listened.

She informed that I had received an acceptance letter from the college I've been studying hard to get into for the best part of my life up till now. A full scholarship.

I heard as her ageing but still angelic croak came through the speaker, the sound of joy surely tainted with tears.

I'm proud of you Son, she said, always haven been.

Then came the change that stung. I heard her the joy leave her voice, what replaced it was heart wrenching.

I listened as her normally clear words turned to the broken pieces of her heart, the heart I broke.

Now, now you listened here, you come back home and let me see you again, let me talk to you about your day and remind you what you're forgetting, you let me make your lunch again please even if it only be one last time. Let me send you off to college and show you how proud I am, we'll, we'll video chat to keep in touch over those two years and you can introduce me to that special person you find at a party one night and whisper as you say I think I've found the One. Please Son come home.

I'm sorry, I'm so so very sorry for what I said Son, I'm sorry I took things that far, I'm sorry that my habits became yours and that I wasn't strong enough to show you how to be that better person you always thought I was. Please come home, please forgive me.

I wanted to scream, to break down and cry, so I didn't. I did the only thing that could be done, grabbed the packet I had hidden from sight as an attempt to stop the temptation, the past I had worked and gone so long without touching. Drawing from it my murderous weapon and climbing out into the roof. The sickly familiarity setting in as it sat naturally in my hand and between my fingers, I took a long drag feeling the calmness enter through lungs and wash over my body.
Construction on my walls resumed, building them higher and stronger than before letting nothing in as well as nothing out.