Long And Lost (Book II)

Ch.2: The monument of a memory, you tear it down in your head

Longing

The voices in his head started battling each other, switching from german to russian.

Rusted

Focus, focus on anything. Steve, Wakanda, Natasha, red hair. Focus.

Furnace

Focus on Steve. Tell your brain a story: Steve has locked himself outside his house again, but you always carry a spare key.

Daybreak

Tell your brain a story. A story of throwing up in Coney Island.

Seventeen

No, not Coney Island. Throwing up in a cell, Hydra confinement. Hydra science division.

Benign

Back to Coney Island, a freezer truck-- No, not truck, capsule, prison, being forced to sleep. Being forced to wake up. Being forced to murder.

Nine

Snap. Remember all of it. You didn't want to, but you did anyway. Snap. You tried to fight back, but it was useless.

Homecoming

Steve. Captain America. Iron Man. Tony Stark. Howard Stark. Maria Stark. Dead. Murdered.

"готовы соблюдать." Bucky muttered, still trying to fight the daze. "No!!"

"Hauta." Victoria let go of Bucky's head and he immediately woke up, fighting for breath as if he was being kept under water. Out of instinct, he lashed out, missing Victoria's neck by an inch and grabbing thin air instead.

Victoria put a hand on his chest and soothed him down. Bucky bent over as if he was going to be sick, and Victoria held him off before he could hit the ground, pushing him back on the chair.

"Eight. You got to eight words." She said, sitting in front of him.

Bucky sighed and put his head in his hand. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. That's exactly the problem right now." Victoria took Bucky's hand and made him look up.

"What?"

"Guilt." She said, still holding his hand. "I asked you to pick a memory, something to distract you from the word chain, to break the association and give it a new one. You picked Steve, which is the obvious choice. But he's too close to your guilt. You still think you're not good enough, that you're not worth the sacrifices Steve had made to get you here. You feel you're to blame for what happened to the Avengers."

"I am." Bucky looked down again.

"Steve would argue with that. Not that you'd want to believe him, but--"

"I know what he would say, that it was his choice. But if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have had to choose in the first place." Bucky tried to let go of Victoria's hand, but she wouldn't let him. "He's my best friend and I love him--"

"I know how much he means to you, and I also know how much you mean to him. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. If it were up to Steve, he'd get inside your head and he'd choke Hydra's work with his bare hands, if that was what it took to fix you." Victoria said.

"Maybe I'm beyond being fixed." He said with a sad smile.

"Steve is not the one to fix you. I'm not here to fix you. You have to do that yourself. I'm just helping you through because sometimes we have to admit we can't do everything alone." Victoria laced her fingers with Bucky's, a soft golden glow shone in between. Bucky gasped. "Maybe Steve is not the right choice, so let's try and find something else."