Long And Lost (Book II)

Ch.11: The guillotine hums, my back's to the wall, go on, let it fall.

He wasn't the type to spend his time drinking.
He had always disliked when Thor and his friends would down barrels upon barrels of mead just to end up in a pathetic and pitiful state where they couldn't even stand up properly.
He wasn't the type to lose control of his senses either, but the alcohol and the jealousy sent him quickly into that path.

Loki?

Go away.

Sigyn woke up feeling dizzy and sort of disoriented. She sat on the bed, noticing Bucky curled up by her side. Suddenly, she felt like throwing up.

Are you drunk?

You're in bed with him!

"Oh, norns." She mumbled to herself, making way to the bathroom.

A rush of nausea made her stumble, and then something else. Another rush. This was warmer, more familiar. She knew that feeling very well. Surely he wasn't-- Her heart started pounding in her chest, a cold wave made her shiver. Sigyn closed her eyes, still reluctant to find out the source of his- arousal? But she had to know, even if she started to regret it the second her projection went to him.

Loki was kissing her furiously against the wall, his hands were possessive against her thighs. He wanted to leave marks and he would. Similar to those already littering her neck. They weren't naked yet, but if allowed a few more minutes, they probably would, judging by her skirt all pulled up to her waist.

Sigyn felt her heart crack right through the middle. And Loki felt it too. He stopped his actions. As soon as he let go of the girl he was holding, the illusion that made her look just like Sigyn disappeared.
The girl looked at Sigyn confused, Loki didn't even want to turn around.

"Go." Loki muttered. The girl looked at him, but quickly composed herself, fixed her clothes and left, leaving Loki and Sigyn's projection alone on the corridor.

Loki turned around slowly, fixing his own clothes in the process.

None of them had to say anything. Overemotional states sent information flowing like tsunamis through their bond.

She just stared at him, eyes flooded with tears, mouth half open as if part of her was refusing to believe what she saw. But it wasn't what she saw, it was what she felt: Loki didn't trust her.
He only had seen Bucky in bed with her and he had imagined all sort of scenarios, one more elaborated than the other. It had gone so over his head, that he had gone and gotten himself intoxicated. He had glamoured a girl to look like her, and Sigyn was sure the poor creature had no idea.

"You should apologize to her once you've sobered up." Sign said before vanishing.

Loki turned around and slammed his fist on the wall, cracks blossoming and expanding like webs. He had done the one thing he had promised he'd never do: hurt her. He had felt her heart breaking, just like the wall in front of him.

Back on Earth, Sigyn was curled up on the bathroom floor crying as quietly as she could manage, for Bucky was still sleeping on her bed. Or so she thought.

"Vic- sorry- Sigyn?" Bucky knocked softly on the door.

Sigyn wiped the tears from her face, but didn't dare speak. Bucky opened the door slowly, but took only one look at her and rushed to her side.

"What happened? What's wrong?" He asked, wrapping his arm around her. She just shook her head. "Is it--"

"Get away from her." Loki snarled.

Bucky stood up. "Is this your doing?" Loki didn't answer, but something in his expression ticked Bucky off. "You miserable--"

Sigyn took hold of Bucky's leg and stopped him.

"What are you gonna do, little broken toy? Flail your hands on my face? Oh, sorry, hand." Loki said viciously.

"It's just an illusion, Bucky." Sigyn said, her voice broken and raspy.

Bucky then did what he thought would infuriate Loki the most. He sat on the floor again by Sigyn's side and hugged her. "Can you make him go away?"

Loki just stared at them. Sigyn could feel his panic, even if his illusion didn't show it.

"Could you give us a moment?" She asked softly.

Bucky didn't want to, but her hand squeezing his was reassuring enough. He couldn't help kissing her head before getting up, just to annoy Loki a little further. He felt a bit of satisfaction at seeing the blatant glare Loki gave him.
After Bucky exited the bathroom, Sigyn put a spell on the door to prevent him from eavesdropping.

"If you have anything to say, say it quick, cause I'm blocking you." She said, still on the floor.

"I--" Loki clenched his jaw. "You- you were-" He didn't know exactly how to phrase what he wanted to say. Again, his projection didn't show it, but Sigyn could see him grabbing his head in frustration. "I lost it, okay?!" He finally snapped. "I saw you in bed with him, and I just lost it!"

"And fucking someone else is a great way to deal with that!" Sigyn stood up in front of him. "Why make me see it? You wanted me to see it, you wanted me to know what you were doing!"

"I just wanted to make you feel what I felt." Loki said. "How I feel every time you can't stop thinking about him, how it feels every time you defend him! You should be here with me! But you chose to go back to him--"

"You don't get to throw anything at my face, Loki!" Sigyn couldn't stop the tears from coming back. "You know you did it to get back at me for something you've imagined! You've seen enough, you've seen everything!" She shouted at him. "I've never hidden anything from you and you know it!"

Loki didn't say anything. He knew she was right, but pride wouldn't let him admit it. Sigyn leaned on the wall, silent tears rolling down her face, and he just wanted to hug her so bad.

"How could you even think that I would--" She took a deep breath, wiping the tears off her face. "Leave."

"Sigyn, I..."

"Leave! I don't wanna be looking at you right now."

He didn't listen. Instead, he stood close of her, reaching out for her chest. She waived her hand, going through his projection, but he didn't let it disappear just yet. His hand shimmered against her, whatever he couldn't say, he tried to let her know. But, to his disadvantage, his emotions were so all over the place that he couldn't exactly control the stormy surge of feelings he tried to convey. Sigyn could read beyond the apologies, she could see the resentment, that he felt cheated, abandoned. She could see the distrust: images of her and Bucky floated inside her head, everything Loki had made up and imagined, everything he had created to justify his actions. It hurt.

"You're not doing yourself any help with that." She said, and Loki felt a small electric shock that broke the connection. "I told you you'd have to decide whether you wanted to trust me again or not. I think you've made your choice quite clear."

"Sigyn..." His voice barely above a whisper, he tried to reach for her. "Please, don't... please, tell me how to fix it."

"You're the trickster." She said. "I'll let you figure out that trick for yourself."

Sigyn extended her hand, as if she were to touch his forehead. Loki's projection dissolved slowly, and he couldn't fight it. He slumped to the floor of his bedroom, emptiness growing inside of him, sipping through every place her presence should be.

The silence was painful. Even more than what she had seen earlier. It had nearly killed her to block him the first time, it wasn't any better now.

Sigyn buried her head between her arms, and cried. For Loki, for herself, for hoping they could go back to things as they were. She cried for all the times she hadn't allowed herself to cry since they first met each other in Asgard.
Maybe it had been stupid to hold hope. Loki had changed and she could see it, maybe it was too late to change him back.

If this was something she couldn't fix, maybe it was time she let Loki go.