Condemned

-5-

Dad came home. His eyes didnt meet ours when he made his way to the living room. He was holding some biscuits. I dont think he had eaten any food other than those biscuits. Seeing him like that broke my heart.

We all stayed silent, not knowing how to start the conversation that would ruin our lives. I was happy he was home, but my body shaked. I felt it in my bones that something was terribly wrong. The deafening silence seemed more like a growing distance between us.

'Will you talk? What was all this about? ' - my mum broke the silence and got near him. I could see in his eyes all the tears he had shed, all the secrets and the pain he had hidden all this time, were about to be told to me, my mum and brother that were facing him as if we were in court.

He lacked eye contact and his voice was shaky:
'I have ruined our lives, Claire. I have made mistakes that will never be fixed. I have dragged all three of you in a shit life.' - and he started crying.

'For years, - he continued - ' I have been playing fortune games. It made me lose enormous amount of money, I am in debts I can no longer pay.' - this sentence in general didnt look as bad as it was. He never had much of a contribute in my family anyway, we already knew that.

'How much money are you in debt?' - my mum asked.

'Millions. I know you will never forgive me Claire. I should have been dead. I should have killed myself.'

'I forgave you for god sake. We will pay those debts with the money I have saved. I will go and withdraw them tomorrow, okay?'

My dad's crying started sounding more like a shout for help than an actual crying, he started breathing fast and wanted to say words he couldnt articulate. It seemed like he was stuck in an agony he couldn't escape from.

'I... I.. I took all your money. I lied to you about buying that house near the beach, I lied to you about changing your bank account, I falsificatied every paper and took all your money throughout the years. We have nothing left anymore. There's no fucking money. I was about to lose even this house last night because I played out of desperation.'

Those words were said so fast that I didn't even have time to process them. I was in shock and next thing I knew my mum was about to punch him and shouting what the hell he had done. My dad on the other side , was crying.

Have you ever felt your entire world falling to pieces in one night? Have you ever realized that your life was a lie? Have you ever been a witness to three hearts breaking at the same time and an image of a perfect parenting being destroyed by a simple sentence? I felt like all this wasn't part of my life. My feelings shut, it was a way of me coping with trauma. I couldn't cry...I trembled. I trembled like the most unprotected, little creature in the middle of a tornado. I felt like screaming, but I had to be strong.

We never suffered lack of money, but all of a sudden we had none and with several debts to pay. Me and dad never lacked laughs, but all of a sudden he became my non-ending source of anxiety.

My mum closed her eyes, let out the longest exhale:
'You stole 28 years of me working hard for this family to never suffer and never asked for your help, you broke my trust, you took away my future and our kids future and put it on fortune games. I will never forgive you for this. But, I want you to promise me that you will never play again, I will forgive you and find a way to pay those god damn debts of yours. I cant put money before your life.'

'I promise you' - my dad cried.

'Now tell me how the fuck you wanted to kill yourself'

He handed her some kind of poison he was keeping on his pockets. She took and threw the poison on the bathroom and left at her room telling him to not follow her back, because he wouldn't sleep in the same bed as hers.

When I was left alone with him, I wanted to say something, I wanted to tell him to better keep his promise, I wanted to show him how the image of a hero dad was now ruined, that all the time he was distant and absent were clearer now, I wanted to tell him that he was the first person that broke my heart, but I couldn't.

I followed mum and layed next to her. I massaged her head for hours while she kept whispering that her head was exploding. I will never forget that night. I watched my mum getting older in one night. I spent the whole night touching her, letting her know she wasnt alone. She didn't cry, that made things worse. I was scared to broken people that were unable to cry, it means there's no repair. Mum and I were one of them.

It was 5 AM in the morning, I told mum I would go at my room but instead I left the house and went at the woods together with my school bag. I knew that in the morning, I would be the last thing she would worry about.

I finished all of the cigarettes I had left and put alcohol in my water bottle. Never been happier for the fact that vodka looked just like water. At 7 AM I was infront of his door outside his house.

Niklaus smiled and seemed shocked.

'A good morning with a taste of your own medicine stalker. Im showing up without permission like you do, so  now walk me to school.' - I said while his face failed to hide his happiness.