Condemned

-4-

When mum reached home I was on the floor shaking and crying my eyes out. I dont know how much time she took reaching home, but it felt like an eternity. I had messaged dad several times, but there was no answer from him.

Mum came in a hurry and sat down near me and held me while my shaking got worse. I gave her the letter and saw tears gathering up in her eyes, but she didnt let them fall. I knew she was pretending to be strong infront of me.

'Claire and my dear kids,
I was never a good husband or a good father to you. I've made mistakes that nothing can fix. I've ruined your lives and I know I cannot be forgiven. I tried killing myself since March, but my brother stopped me. Probably, the moment this letter will be on your hands, I'd already be dead.
I've loved all three of you so much, always.'

I could see how my mum was trying to stop her hands from shaking, with a deep breath she dragged the tears inside her eyes and got up. I was still on the floor, unable to move or speak, I just stared at mum when she was trying to call dad for several times.

We didnt move for hours, ringing my dad's phone. His cellphone was turned on. He had messaged mum to check his sweater and he didnt answer after that.
This was confusing, we had no idea of what mistakes he was talking about.

I could feel my heart breaking on my chest. Images of my dad being dead were haunting me and I couldn't control them. I wanted my mind to stop thinking. I needed someone to tell me that nothing is real.

Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Its okay. Nothing is real. He is fine. Mum just talked to him before so he is safe. He won't leave us. He is alive. I can't lose him.

I heard mum saying his name on the phone and for a moment I felt like I could breathe again. He picked up the call .

'Jonathan, how are you?
No, we forgive everything you have done.
I promise it's okay. Please stop crying.
Come home dear, please.
Hera is crying. You can't leave them, Jonathan please come home. We need you, we are gonna fix everything.
Talk to Hera and hear how much she is suffering.'

She handed me the phone. My hands suddenly felt weak.

'Dad?' - I cried while on the other side of the phone I heard my dad crying with a loud voice. I could hear how he barely breathed and couldn't talk to me back. This was the first time of him falling apart like this.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so weak and no word you could say would make things right? Have you ever been in a situation where you could have saved a life, but you felt unable to?

'Dad, can you please come home? Please don't hurt me. I beg you. Im in pieces dad, I can't lose you.'

Among his fast breathing and crying I heard a 'I will come home in three hours'.

'I love you' - I let out a smile full of sorrow and handed my mum the cellphone. I dragged my back to the wall and sit back to the floor.

Three hours. It was 9 PM.  Ten more minutes in this house and I would go crazy. Mum was explaining my brother this whole situation as less dramatically as she could while I decided to left home.

The road to the woods seemed longer than usual. Time felt like it had frozen. I reached my usual spot and I hated everything when I saw Niklaus sitting there. This fucking bitch needs to get out of my life.

'I was waiting for you' - he said.

I didn't answer back, avoiding eye contact. I went to the place I hid my stuff, took them and sit in the blanket that I've left there, where Niklaus was sitting.

'Did Delilah learn those physics stuff she was talking about?' - I said while I was getting my weed ready in a joint.

'Is that weed?' - he asked shocked. He probably thought I was joking about weed yesterday.

'Yes. Why you ask, you want some?' - I asked and stared at his eyes all angrily.

'No. Jeez, what the hell is wrong with you? Why do you do this to yourself? Your eyes look as if you haven't slept for days.' - his voice and his words broke my heart.

Why did I do this to myself? Did I really look sick? He wasn't supposed just to show up in my fucking life and tell me how I looked. He knows a shit about me and still he gives his unwanted opinion. I could feel anger gathering up and it made my chest burn.

'Niklaus, I made you a fucking question about Delilah. Stop asking me about stuff that aren't your fucking business, alright?' - my voice was louder than I intended. I regret. What was happening to me?

I could sense disappointment in his eyes. He wasn't expecting that answer. He stopped looking at me when I smoked my joint.

'Delilah feels confident now about the exam, I think she will do great. She is a fast learner and a very cheerful person. You are lucky to have her as a friend.' - he said after a long pause of silence.

'She is everything I'm not' - I whispered in a very low voice while I took my bottle of cognac and let out a laugh.

He had listened shit and he was confused about why I was laughing. But that's okay, he probably thinks I'm crazy.

'If there's anything wrong, you can talk to me or at least to Delilah, if you don't trust me enough.'

I was feeling the weed effect on me, I felt calmer and dizzy couz of the alcohol. I dragged myself near him and while staring at him, I smiled:

'Niklaus. I am okay and you better be too. See this world, this world... Ugh fuck it, who do I think I am? Some fucking philosopher to give you life lesson? Ugh, I'll go home.' - I got more near him and whispered in his ears - 'I got some really really important stuff to do at home.'

'It's a life changing matter Niklaus.' - I shouted while laughing as if I had won a lottery.

His honey colored eyes that looked black in the dark of the night, were confused in what to believe.

'Im glad you are happy about it. Do you want me to walk you home?'

'No, thanks. Have a good night Niki.. Nikiklaus' - and left while smiling and waving at him.

From the distance I heard him shouting: 'You are crazy, Hera' and making him laugh was a way of saying sorry for shouting at him minutes ago.