Hate to Say I Told You So

Chapter Fourteen

I knew getting Ross to forgive me would take some work. I tried the next day at school. I walked to school a little later than normal. Collin wasn't with me, of course. I bet the guy felt as confused as ever at how I had reacted yesterday. I confused myself.

Ross sat in our arch, scribbling in the thick, black notebook. Armed with a book of my own, I sat down against the opposite wall and pretended to read. I'd picked my copy of Sherlock Holmes stories again, hoping Ross would remember that's what he had bread when we first met.

I saw him stop writing for a second and look at me. We made eye contact, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. It had been so long since I last made eye contact with him, I had almost forgotten how attractive he could look. After another minute or so of him writing, he got up and walked into school.

In English, I sat in the empty desk next to him and said, "Ross, I need to talk to you. Collin's pissed and I have a lot on my mind, but you're the one person I can talk to. Meet me at the coffee shop after school, okay? Please?"

Ross kept staring straight forward. I could tell by the way he clenched his jaw that he wanted to say something, but he thought the better if it. I wondered if his silence meant cruel words, or that he hated me. I wished that I could just poke him to see if he paid attention. I prodded his arm with an eraser, but I got nothing,

I couldn't focus in class the rest of the day. I just thought of Ross and if he would show up or not. He didn't wave at me in lunch or anything so I had no idea what could happen. I had a clear view of him as I sat, reading and eating. I could see that he flipped between reading and writing in his notebook. Would he keep working on the poem about me? Did he start it because he hated me, something else?

Finally the last bell rang and I got out of school as fast as I could. I ran into The Corner Café. Seeing that Ross wasn't there yet, I ordered a pity caramel latte, sat down with my homework and waited.

...

A few hours later, I'd finished my homework, I had a text from my mom saying wanting me home for dinner, and Ross still hadn't shown.

I couldn't believe Ross hadn't come. I guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up as I had, but he had said he felt sorry as well. Long before I did.

Just as I left, I saw Ross coming while on his evening run. He looked so focused that he didn't even notice me. I set my path and braced for the impact. Ross ran square into me, knocking the air right out of me.

"Hey, watch it!" He yelled. His ear buds had fallen out and a Panic! At the Disco song pounded. His hands wrapped around my upper arm from running into me and still tried to get his balance back.

"I'm sorry, Ross." I said.

He looked up in surprise. His face softened for just a moment.

"Belle." He half whispered, taking a step back, hands still on my arms. If anything, he held me tighter, as if he tried to figure out of I lived in reality. Believe me, I tried to figure out the same thing. He just stood there, staring at me, and I stared right back.

In my head, I grabbed him and kissed him right then and there. With Ross sweaty, Panic! At the Disco blasting, everything, I didn't care if "Nine in the Afternoon" became "our song," because at least Ross and I would have a song. I wanted him to feel how sorry I was. I wanted to feel him forgive me by kissing me back. I wanted to hear how his breathing would change in surprise. He would grab me around my waist, pulling me out of the middle of the sidewalk, maybe pushing me against the side of the café. I didn't just want that, I needed it. I needed an apology without words, silent, mutual agreements. More than anything, I needed Ross to know how I felt, and I needed to know that he still felt the same way. I never got the chance for any of that to happen because, in reality, just like he had appeared, Ross ran past me trying to put his ear buds in at the same time. I couldn't believe he wanted to get away from me. He ran even faster than I knew he ran. All because he wanted to get away from me that much. It made me feel like shit yet pissed as hell at the same time.

I stood there for a minute, watching him run, trying to gather up the gumption to run after him. I wanted to say that he ran away this time, not me. I needed to tease him without end for that. Hold it over his head in a year from now, maybe even longer. Then he turned a corner towards downtown and I walked home.

The feeling of defeat didn't feel pleasant, but I guess since I had acted like such a bitch to Ross, I kind of deserved it. I didn't deserve to have him in my life as anything anymore. I deserved to end up that one girl who one time crushed his heart at a stupid dance way back in high school, nothing more. I didn't deserve to even have him remember my name.

At the same time, I kind of couldn't imagine that kind of life, either. A life without Ross as at least my friend sounded awful. Even more so now that Collin had walked out of my life. I couldn't lose both of them.

I took a turn at the next street, texting my mom. Forget about dinner. Heartbreak like this called for some serious time at Pages in the chick lit section.

I waved at Tony, along with a couple other clerks with their awful attempts at trying to be hipster get ups, since the clerks seemed hit or miss on that scale, and the person I ran into in the chick lit section stopped me cold all over.

Heather.

Trying to act calm, I picked up a book I had started looking at when I ran into Ross that day over winter break, and started reading it. In my peripheral vision, I saw Heather inch closer. She picked up the book displayed next to mine and read the inside cover.

"He's crazy about you, you know." Heather said, just loud enough for me to hear.

"Who?" Neither of us took our eyes off of our books.

"Ross is. He doesn't know it, but he talks in his sleep. Sometimes I hear him muttering about you. Our rooms are right next to each other, and our house has almost paper thin walls." She put her book down and sighed. "Let me show you."

I followed as she walked towards the end of the aisle and turned her head. There at a table with a Pages coffee cup and a notebook, pen in hand, sat Ross. His hair looked still soaked from a shower, and it seemed like he had stubble build up. He wore his wingtips, and a plaid flannel shirt that made me want to snuggle up to his chest and stay there. After everything that had happened the last few weeks, the idea seemed even more tempting than usual.

"He hasn't stopped writing in that thing since we moved here. Especially since that night at the dance." She backed into the row again. "I want you to know that I'm not proud of what I did. I didn't mean to string Peter or Collin along it just... happened. Will you do me a favor and let Collin know when he's ready to hear it?"

I thought for a second before saying I would.

"Thanks, Isa. You have no idea how much it means to me. And don't give up on Ross. He's tough since we've gone through a lot, but I think you can crack the armor."

I took one last glance at Ross, who drank from his cup and looking around. He almost spotted me, but I turned before our eyes could meet. I thought about what Heather had said. Heather hadn't lied. Ross may have looked tough, but I knew the virtue of patience.