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grayson:
6:05 am: i lie awake in my tiny bed, underneath the salmon covers, my neck sore from sleeping on one pillow. my medicine has worn off and i am now once again a prisoner to my insomnia.
all there is to do now is listen to my roommate snore and mutter to herself in her sleep and the sounds of the nurses talking and phones ringing at the nurses station. i remember a seroquel-induced nightmare i had previously in the night in which i was trapped in a house that was filling with water, drowning and gasping for air. i make a mental note to mention the dream to my doctor later on.
7:00 am: morning checks. a tech bangs on my door just as i have started to drift off into a sweet sleep again and informs me that i must be up for breakfast in thirty minutes. i incoherently moan something that resembles an "ok" and roll over and close my eyes again.
7:10 am: brush my teeth, brush my hair, make my bed, and put on a sweatshirt.
7:15 am: i drag my exhausted body out of bed and grab a cup of the weakest, wateriest coffee i have ever ingested from the nurses station. i line up against the wall and prepare to be paraded down to the cafeteria.
7:30 am: breakfast time. today is friday so it's pancake day, which means spirits are high among the residents. eggs with cheese, bacon, grits and cereal are also served in the cafeteria, which reminds me of the one that i ate in during my elementary school years. i opt for cheerios, which i will eat by putting three at a time into my spoon and a few sips of black coffee.
we were told to go back to our cell after we had our 30 minutes of breakfast. we lined up one by one, following each other to our separate cells. i was shoved in mine, falling down onto my hard, wooden bed. i sat down and placed my elbows on my knees, hands below my face.
just six more days, grayson.
i heard the other people who were next to me, screaming and kicking the walls. i sighed as i covered my ears.
most people are here for depression, some for anxiety, many for suicide attempts. one or two are there for insomnia, a few for manic episodes and one boy about my age is here for homicidal ideation. it isn't as scary as it sounds, he is actually very sweet, close to my age and i am already starting to become close with him. his name is todd and he beat up one of his friends for stealing his now ex-girlfriend. i am here for a suicide attempt.
flashback
i looked at the bottle i've been waiting for, gulping and picking it up.
seroquel.
i unscrew the tight lid, dropping it to the floor. i put out my hand, letting whatever amount drop into my hand. i didn't count, but it was definitely around 18.
i looked in the mirror one last time, hoping to let this rushing pain fade away. i looked at the pills then threw them in my mouth, swallowing them.
i felt dizzy at first, my vision getting blurry and slowly seeing some objects fade away. then i heard music. peaceful music. i smiled to myself, feeling happiness come together. i fell down to the floor after losing my balance. i could hardly see anymore, so i closed my eyes, thinking i was going to take a nap.
then i woke up here.
in this goddamn mental hospital.
how did i survive? i don't know. maybe i didn't take enough. maybe those pills didn't work. but all i know is that i have spent 5 years here and i cannot wait to get out.
-
as time sped forward, it was lunch time. lunch was probably my favorite time of the day just because i don't have to get out of my cell. instead, they bring the tray to us.
i stood up as i saw one of the guards bring a tray. they opened the small, little window and handed me the food. i weakly smiled then turned over to my left, sitting down at a small, wooden table.
-
i stayed inside my cell all day, not like i had a choice. i decided to write in my journal yesterday, like i am now, and call this the last days of a man in a mental hospital.
the bell rung, which meant all cells were officially locked up and closed for tonight. the guards checked each room and made sure all "prisoners" were inside. i laid down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. i heard the sounds of the people beside me, whispering to themselves or hitting the walls.
in this place, you get no sleep.
i waited around until 4am until everyone was asleep. i closed my eyes slowly and drifted off to sleep.
