spammo

my brain

tw: mental health, mentions of suicide and panic attacks, pills

when i was like 11 or something my brain was real fucked up, panic attacks everyday, no more than 2 hours sleep a night, only speaking to my closest friends and family/teachers when absolutely necessary, and, some other shit that im too lazy to list

my dad had an operation a few years back, you might wonder why this is relevant but after it he was put on meds, a lot of them, strong ones,and because of the state i was in, i took this as an opportunity to end it all. i planned that i would ovd on a night when no one else was in, but when it got to that night, i, being v disorganised, realised that i had no idea where the pills were, as you can probably tell, i never found them

i did a lot of thinking that night, and after no sleep, and 10 hours of crying and thinking over everything that had happened in my life, i decided that there was a reason i couldn't find those pills, even if i didn't want to continue living, there were people that did, my two best freinds had no idea that i felt how i did, and i knew how broken they'd be without me, most of my family have their own issues, they wouldn't cope with losing a child. even if i didnt think i could cope with staying alive, i knew for certain that my death would hurt more than it would help. 

2 years on, i'm so happy that i couldnt find those damn pills, because that night led to my recovery, that was the end of year 6, when i was mostly alone in this universe, and not out to anyone btw. now, going into year 9, im out to my family and my friends, my family (mostly) accepts me, my friends are the best friends i could possible ask for and im eternally grateful for all of them (i love all you guys, i don't say that enough) and i have the most amazingly beautiful and kind and thoughtful and perfect girlfriend i could ask for and im so happy as i am, yes i still get panic attacks when my parents argue, and on planes and at airport security, but i've come so far since that dark time and i think what i'm trying to say, and anyone who knows me knows that i sound like a broken record with this, but it gets better, no matter how dark your time is at the moment, and even when you feel like this darkness is forever, life will get better, you might not see it now, but stick around, who knows where you could go? stay alive friends and life will get better in the end, if it's not better, then its not the end. i can promise you that. 

well its 1:45am and i need to be up at 5 so i should probably go to sleep now lmao

anna x :))