Adelena | 18+

Adelena | 9

Waking up in the morning, I faced a hard decision. I have had doubts before. Doubts in my faith, doubts in The Church, doubts in Charlie. However, it was my doubts in my mother that I was struggling with. My mother was all I truly had in the world. I had never known my father. He left my mother as soon as he knew I was growing inside of her. I have little memories of the times when it was just my mother and I. The time before Charlie. I know they were full of hardships. It wasn't easy for a woman in a small town to be raising a child on her own with no help from her family, but even then we had each other. Now I have a lot of people, too many people. And in the midst of my mother, Charlie, my sibling who will be arriving in a matter of months, and the congregation of The Church, I've never felt more alone. 

I've never given much thought to what life would be like outside of The Church. I know that there is a lot in the world that we don't know about in the congregation. When I used to think about how much we didn't know, how much of the world we have yet to discover, it would overwhelm me. The Church felt safe and comfortable away from the unknown. But I couldn't deny how suffocating The Church has become. It felt like I was drowning. I could stand it when I could hold onto my mother for air, for survival, but now it seemed hopeless. I don't know what lies beyond The Church, but whatever's out there is starting to look a lot better than what is waiting for my outside my bedroom door. 

I got out of bed, not wanting to provoke Charlie anymore with my lack of punctuality. I skipped a shower and threw on my most modest dress. I wouldn't typically wear this dress on any given day, but I also wasn't trying to please Charlie as much as I am now on any given day. I put on my shoes and made my way downstairs. My mother and Charlie were already downstairs eating breakfast at the table. I immediately shift my gaze towards the floor and joined them at the table, not wanting to cause any trouble for myself. 

"Good morning, Addie. I hope you had a good night's sleep."

Charlie found it his obligation to break the tense silence and he did just that. I don't understand how he can go from beating me yesterday to greeting me with open arms. I was brought out of my thoughts when his hand covered mine. He squeezed my hand just tight enough to be uncomfortable.

"We've talked about this before, Addie. When I tell you something, I expect a response."

He had told me before, but this time, there was more of a threat behind his words. 

"I slept well." 

He squeezed my hand a bit tighter before letting it go. I glanced up at my mother across the table. Her nervous eyes met mine before I dropped my eyes back to the table. She cleared her throat, clearly trying to signal something, but it must not have been for me because Charlie began talking again.

"Your mother told me of the good news. God has blessed us with a child. I know that she has told you and that you are already preparing for your new sibling. I just want to say that the new addition to our family, to The Church, will only bring us closer together."

I looked up at his optimistic face. Next to him my mother was nodding, "I told him last night. I told  him how this will be good for all of us. How you'll work to be a good role model for the baby. How what happened last night won't have to happen again because you'll work to be the best big sister."

I looked at her through my bruised eye, face still throbbing, in disbelief. I would work to be a good role model. I would work to be the best big sister. They were acting as if what happened last night was my fault. Everything that happens is in God's plan. Don't question God. Charlie knows best. All statements I had heard before, tropes that helped to raise me floating around in my head. I kept repeating them to myself, but I couldn't shake the feeling that they were wrong. Like trying to fit yourself into a sweater you've outgrown. They just didn't fit anymore. They didn't make sense anymore. But regardless I nodded my head, numb to what she was saying. 

"Yes, your mother assured me of you being devoted to your role as 'big sister,' but make no mistake, I am the head of this household and I reserve the right to discipline anyone I see fit. However I see fit. 'Spare the rod, spoil the child.' God doesn't like sinners. He forgives them, but he doesn't like them. I don't want you to be a sinner and I know you don't want to be one. But just as God forgives, I do too. Let's put yesterday behind us and move towards this new day the Lord has made for us."

I nodded, again numb to the word being spoken to me. "Yes, Charlie. I'll be better. I promise."

Words I had spoken countless times before, but this time the left my mouth with no meaning. I seemed to be the only one to notice the difference in those words. My mother seemed pleased with the outcome of the conversation and Charlie got up from the table feeling his words had fallen on obedient ears.

"Great. Well with that matter dealt with, we should be off to morning prayer, Addie. You mother is going to take on more day off on account of her condition."

Looking at my mother once more, she looked back this time with reassuring eyes. I'm sure after out conversation last night, she told Charlie of her pregnancy as a way to protect me. However now with a baby on the way, I would be held to an even higher standard than before. But even with all my doubts, I wasn't ready to give up on my faith or on The Church. I was sure I could rise to the occasion of mentoring a new sibling. Especially since living up to Charlie's expectations would also keep me from under his fist. 

Charlie headed out of the door and I scrambled to follow. He kept a brisk pace out of our dwelling, heading to the worship space. We walked in silence. We entered the worship space and I took my seat, keeping my head down trying to keep my bruised face out of the congregation's focus. We soon took to our knees in communal prayer. I found it hard to focus on Charlie's words. What would happen if I tried to form my own dialogue with God? 

I stopped praying along with the rest of the congregation and began my own prayer. God, if you're listening would you give me a sign. No. That was stupid. God has nothing to prove to me. I tried again.

God, I promise I do try to be Your humble servant. Everyday I'm on this earth, I try my hardest to honor You and Your creation. I don't know why I have doubts. I try not to let them see the light of day. I try to keep my head in Your Word and stay true to my faith. But I'm losing faith. Faith is leaving me and I can't make it stay. Please show me how. Please keep me on Your path and in Your favor. Amen. 

It was the first time I had tried to talk to God on my own. I didn't know how it worked with Charlie. Would angels come down from the heavens or would I feel something in the universe shift? Would I hear His voice? Would it sound like thunder or would it appear in the back of my head? I don't know if God was listening and I didn't feel particularly heard in any way. But I felt more at peace. I told someone what I was thinking without fear of reproach or punishment. It didn't matter if He was listening because what matter in that moment, was that I spoke.