Calling my Angel.

Part 4- I don't know any more...

Tom came round to the flat today, he apologised. But I still thought about what he said, I still knew it was my fault. He was angry at me, I was angry at myself.

So Tom told me it wasn't my fault and he tried to comfort me when I cried to him. He didn't judge me for being in love with you. And he certainly didn't judge you either.

He understood us. He respected our love Nath, isn't that what we hoped for?

Tom also took me to this theropist I've been forced to see. No, it wasn't out of my own choice. 

She seemed disappointed in me but I didn't care. She told me that writing in this book wasn't healthy but I told her. I told her it was helping me because in a way, it is. I feel like you're here with me, reading everything I write down on these pages.

I can't stop writing to you, that's bad of me. I already caused you pain, you don't need more.

It's nearly been a month since you left us. I know I really should just say that you're dead but I can't. 

People are saying The Wanted are over, and it's really rearing me up inside. It's barely been a month and people are already starting to talk. The boys and I have been trying to get back to work but I can't help but think it's too soon. 

We don't think we can handle getting back on stage or even just going to the studio. Because we know we're down a member, who isn't coming back.

I wouldn't even consider us 'The Wanted' anymore. With the four of us it''s just Tom Parker, Siva Kaneswaran, Max George and Jay Mcguiness. You came up with the name for our band Nath, so without you here it would be wrong to carry on using it.

I know you just probably want us to move on and carry on with our carreer as a band. But it is just so HARD.

Why can't you just come back?

We have to record the new album again, without your voice. And our first album has to be re-recorded so we can take out your voice.

I don't want to do that, I want your voice to stay there. For people to remember who you are and what you did.

You're all over the news so I don't watch TV anymore. I don't go on twitter or Facebook either. Or any social networking website for that matter. I can't bring myself to do it. 

Do you know what I spend my days doing? 

I sit in the living room staring at the ceiling whilst replaying our two albums over and over. I like it since I can hear you singing and then I can see you in my head. I see us on stage in front of the massive crowds. And you're having the time of your life doing what you do best.

The boys all came over this afternoon. They wanted to take me out for a bit but I don't want to step outside. I don't want to leave you, this is our home.

So they came here and we sprawled along the couch and watched the old flips we made. That's another thing we haven't done since you know..

We sat sobbing our hearts out whilst watching us goof around. Every time you spoke, I wanted to just curl up in a ball. 

Not as in I didn't want to hear you, no. It was far from that.

I wanted to hear you, I wanted you to hear you talk to me all the time. But you are not here. You're gone and never coming back. 

It's so frustrating that you're gone because I feel so alone. And I know Nath, it's what you told me not to do but I can't help but want to break down every time someone mentions your name. I can't help but die a little more inside when I see you on the video's smiling and acting stupid like we all did together.

Sometimes Nath, I just don't think I can carry on...

*

I'm sorry I haven't written in here the past few days. To be honest, I haven't even left my bed. I've just been SO tired! I guess you would understand since you're asleep for an eternity now. Was that a bad thing to say? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I'm sorry Nathan. I hope up there where you are, you don't just sit in darkness. You deserve to sing with the angels.

You'd sound pretty amazing harmonizing with the angels, Nathan. Maybe you could be my guardian angel? That way you could sing me to sleep and still be there when I need you. Right now Nath, I can't see you anywhere.

Siva has stopped by quite a bit. I think he's the most worried about me out of everyone. I used to be the one smiling, making everyone else feel better. But since I'm no longer that person, Seev tries to be there. He tries to make me smile and I appreciate the effort.

I just don't know if I'll ever be able to smile again.

*Sorry if this part is shorter than the rest but you know..

This actually makes me sad to write but I also love to write it! Is that wrong?

Well, I hope you liked it..Please comment with what you think and vote pleaseee, I appreciate it:')

Thanks guys,

Love Lizzie. x*