Calling my Angel.

Part 6- It's hard.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day in bed. I ignored every call and every text. Max, Tom and Siva came round at one point begging for me to open the door and talk to them. I then began to feel guilty again, for putting them through even more hurt. I just wish all this pain would stop!

When I woke up this morning and finally opened the door, I found Siva asleep beside my doorway. He looked so tired and sad that I started to cry. I had made him look like that. I had drained them all through being selfish. 

But Nath, I can't help it! You leaving is probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through and it just never gets better!

My crying woke Siva up and he took me in his arms to cry with him. Siva gives great hugs, as you probably know, so I hung onto him for a long time. And not once did I hear a complaint and he never tried to pull away. He let me cry, he understood.

In that moment I felt closer to Siva than ever before. And now I wish I had been so close with him all the time.

Tomorrow it will be a month since you left earth. I don't know what to do Nathan. I really don't. 

Because without you here, I am nothing. 

I feel bad when I sing because there is no you to harmonize with. I've gotten to sing your parts as well and I just feel so bad taking them from you. I feel bad at home because you're not there with me.

Is it bad that I still make you a brew too?

That's all I'm drinking. I won't have anything else because that was your favourite drink. We will both have it.

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you aren't here anymore. Because I still feel you sometimes. It feels like yesterday when you were laughing that weird laugh you have. 

Weird in a good way, please don't think bad of me!

This is all real, isn't it?

*

Me and the boys spent a day of silence today. Refusing to answer any calls or any texts. It was all in your honour. 

A month Nathan, a whole month!

You have left me for a whole month...

Me and the lads didn't even speak to each other today, it was just pure silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable one though; it actually felt a little nice. 

We lounged around mine and your flat, putting on all your favourite movies. Were you watching them with us? We all huddled together, cradling each other whilst we cried. I miss you like hell!

It's the closest I've felt with them in a while...

*

Nathan, help me. 

Please come back to me.

I need you.

I need you here with me, in my arms. I want you to kiss me and save me.

I can't do this alone anymore and that's how I feel. 

I've never felt so alone.

I sit at home, in your room waiting for you to come home.

But you never do..

Please come back Nathan.

My eyes hurt from crying so much. Once again, I'm sorry for the tear stains.

I miss you Nathan.

I love you.

*I know this is a sad fanfic but OMG I have such a dirty mind..read the title of this chapter;)

I hope you liked it!

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Lizzie! x*