Calling my Angel.

Part 2- Why?

Jay-

Dear Nath,

I found you lying there. Do you know how much it hurt me? I saw you and you saw me but you never said anything. I began to panic and my heart beat suddenly increased, massively. 

I knew something wasn't right by the way you were lay. Nath, you were dead. You are dead. You left me! Why did you leave me?

My heart shattered as I collapsed next to your body. I let myself cry into your chest for what seemed hours. You just silently lay still. That's when I spotted a note in your hand. I opened it and read all of it. 

My heart shattered even more because it was my fault. You were dead and it was all because of me. Nathan, I love you too! If only you stayed a little while longer, we could have been happy. 

I broke up with Alice that night. The night you were sat in the bathroom all alone, killing me inside.

After a few weeks, the boys ordered me to see someone about this, you broke me. They told me to see a professional about how I was feeling but what good was that gonna do? Nothing.

She's called Jenny. She gave me this journal to write in and to write all my feelings down. 

It felt weird just randomly writing so I decided to write to you, is that okay? I hope it is because I just don't know what to do otherwise.

Back to before..

As I lay with you, and after reading the note you left, I felt disgusted with myself. I wanted to leave along with you. But I couldn't. Nath, you took part of me with you.

Actually screw that, you took a whole lot of me with you. 

Why can't you still be here? Still with me in my arms as we talk about stupid things and laugh about it. Why can't you kiss me again and stroke my curls?

Nathan, I miss you.

After a while, I rung an ambulance and then the boys. They got here around the same time and all rushed to you. But I kept the note crumpled in my pocket, they couldn't read it. Not yet.

'Why?' They questioned but I pretended not to know. How could I do that? It was my fault that you died. Everyone would hate me if they knew that I had caused you to go. 

The paramedics took you away from me. They covered you in a white sheet and took you away. I didn't even get to say goodbye properly. So Nathan, it is good bye, isn't it? It shouldn't be. 

I should still be waking up to your awful cooking. To the sound of the smoke alarm going off because you were burning the bacon in the pan. Or to the sound of you singing in the shower. Why can't I hear that anymore?

I need you back.

It's me, I can't bring myself to do anything but miss you. You're not here, you're not anywhere. It's like a never ending game of hide and seek because you're gone and I can't find you. No matter how hard I try, I never ever find you.

Me and the lads, we collapsed in each others arms because you had gone. Even Tom and Max who are supposedly the toughies, they cried their hearts out, along with me and Seev. 

Then we told your family, Jayne, Big Kev and Martin. And do you know what? They all cried too. Everybody loves you Nath but you're not here to take it anymore. You decided to leave.

Please don't think I now hate you, because I don't. Far from it actually. Like I said, I love you. But if only I had said it sooner. 

Why didn't I tell you sooner? We could be together and happy but there's only me here. Nobody understands me, nobody will ever get it.

You took away my heart, my heart that longs for you now. 

I can't come to terms with the fact that you're not here anymore. You left me. Did you want to? I can't help but think that you did.

We finally told the fanmily about a week after you'd gone. But I just couldn't go on twitter. I couldn't bring myself to check. I'd be reminded of you everywhere. 

I just know that endless pictures of you would be posted, lines of songs that you sung would be quoted. And different things would be said in memory of you.

But only I can hold onto the real memories. The amazing memories we shared together.

There would be so many more memories but you took them away when you left me. We can't make anymore now because you're not with me to make them. 

I can't believe you're gone Nath, I'm so sorry I did this to you.

I'm hurting real bad now.

Tom, Max and Seev, they are nearly the same as me. But they never loved you like I did. They didn't long for you to kiss them like I did. And they didn't long for you to be in their arms.

But they are hurting too.

It's your fault we're all hurting!

Oh my god, I'm so sorry Nathan. I didn't mean to get angry like that! Please forgive me, please don't hate me!

I'm such an idiot, I'm so, so sorry!

Your mum and sister broke down along with me when Jayne broke the news to them. We all miss you so much. You don't understand the pain inside my chest.

It's not even a metaphoric pain, it's real pain. A pain that is actually there and that is actually hurting me. In a way, it feels like a constant stabbing. 

I hope you're doing well, you know up there with the big guy. I hope he's treating you well because you deserve the best.

I erm, I got a tattoo. I know how you said I had enough but I couldn't help myself.

Right where my heart is, is another heart. A deep red one that is full of love. And guess what? You're name is written inside it. 

I needed something more of you and now you're locked in my heart forever.

*Part two. Wow, this is so sad to write!

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Love lots,

Lizzie.x*