Calling my Angel.

Part 3- I miss you.

The days are getting slower and slower Nath and each day is harder. Realisation hits me that you're gone but I still hold on to one bit of hope that you could still be here. 

Even though I saw them cover your body and I saw them take you away. They took you away from me and now I can't see you. 

I have the memories but that isn't enough. They fade away Nath and it's hard to see your face in my head. I look at a picture and you're back. But then you're so far away...

A week after you died, I met up with your mum. And we started to plan your funeral. Was that too soon? 

It was so hard, it is hard. It's hard to think that I've no burnt beans on toast for lunch because you are not there to make it any more.

I wish you were.

At your funeral, I read a speech to you. Did you hear it? I hope you did because that was all my feelings put together. 

I comforted your mum and your sister as we cried onto each others shoulders. They've been so good to me yet all I want is you. As bad as it sounds, I don't want my family, I don't want my friends I just want you back in my arms!

Please come back to me, come home.

The boys have been coming round or at least calling every day. Just to make sure I'm okay. I tell them I am but I'm actually dying inside. You have no idea.

By accident, I left the note you left on the kitchen table. And then the boys came round. I entered the kitchen to find them all staring at me.

''What?' I asked them. 'Is there something on my face?' I'd question them.

But they carried on staring. Max and Siva with sad eyes, in a way it was comforting. But Tom, he was shooting me daggers. He was fuming.

'This is your fault.' He spat at me. 

He pushed me against the wall and shoved me into it. It hurt really badly but I held back the pain and tried to stop myself crying.

Max and Seev just stood and watched. He was screaming at me and saying that it was my fault you were dead and that if I hadn't have been a better person, you could still be here.

Eventually, Max and Siva dragged Tom off me and also out of the flat. 

I'm sorry Nathan, I really am. 

Guilt fills every inch of me. You don't know how bad I feel, it eats me alive. It is my fault, isn't it? I made you kill yourself. Basically, I hurt myself. I basically drove you to do this and now I'm hurting from my own mistake.

I love you Nathan, why couldn't you just hold on another day? We could be together; we could be so happy!

The flat is empty. 

It's got so much room now. It's so dull and dark but that's because there is no you. You brightened everything up.

I'm in your room now, writing this. 

Your room is full of your scent and your pictures and your things. It's hard not to come in here. I like it.

But I'm in here now and I'm crying, I'm sorry about the tear stains. I can't help it, you took me with you when you left and now I'm holding on but only slightly. 

Soon, I'm gonna fall and this time you won't be there to catch me. Because Nathan, you are not here.

It won't stick in my head because I can't believe you're gone, I don't want to believe it. I need you.

I need you now more than ever before.

Your CD's are all neatly lined up. And your keyboard screams at me. So I'd sit there and I'd imagine you.

I see you in my head playing away softly at the keys and I can hear the beautiful sound you make. And then, and then you turn to look at me, still playing at the keys. Your smile lights up the room and your eyes glisten. And do you know what I do?

I cry. 

You know normally I'd lighten the mood and say 'Not because I saw your face, that's not why I cried.'

But I guess all the humour has drained out of me. 

I cry because of how much I long to see your amazing smile. And how much I miss it.

 As I scanned your Cd rack, which one stood out? The Wanted. It was us Nath, our band! 

Look at how much we achieved, at how much you achieved. Even when it was uncertain that we'd make it, we did. We showed everyone what we were capable of. You did it Nath, you lived your dreams!

Do you know what the first thing I noticed on the Cd was? You. I looked at your beautfiul face and images flashed through my mind of you. I closed my eyes and wayched them fly through my head and I smiled and cried.

The songs on our Cd played through and I listened especially hard for you. Your voice was so amazing Nath, I loved it. It was so soft yet so strong. Your voice was unique but it was still the best by far! You sung like an angel.

I hope the angels up there are taking care of you. You deserve to be able to sing with the angels because to me, you are one. So you do that Nath, you sing with them.

I guess I'll stay here and cry. I have to go Nath now, the doorbell just went off.

Once again, I miss you.

Please, please come back to me. I need you here. My eyes are hurting from all this crying. And I just can't take the pain anymore.

I love you.