Calling my Angel.

Part 5- Fix you.

When you try your best but you don't succeed,

When you get what you want but not what you need,

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep,

Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face,

When you lose something you can't replace,

When you love someone and it goes to waste,

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

I will try,

To fix you.

Tears stream,

Down your face,

When you lose someone you cannot replace,

Tears stream,

Down your face,

And I...

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try,

To fix you. 

I listen to our cover of that song the most. It fits how I feel right now. But no one but you can fix me Nath. You can only make me whole again.

 I've had Max staying over the past two nights, it makes me feel less alone. This flat just feels big and empty with just me in it. 

I might have someone staying over more often, if that's okay with you?

He took me to the therapist. Jenny is so disappointed in me. She wants me to stop writing these entries to you because they're not helping me. 

But I can't stop. I'd feel like I'm doing you wrong and I can't betray you again. I can't let you down once more.

She also asked about the note. I don't know why she's not asked before now? 

When she asked for it, I couldn't hold in the tears. I reluctantly handed her the note and watched her read it. Tears streamed down my face as she did because I knew what it said. 

Is it weird that I carry it around with me? It's like a fire burning a hole in my pocket, reminding me of the pain everywhere I go. But I just can't let it go. It's one of the last remaining things I have of you.

*

I haven't sang for a while but I did today. We all did.

It was our first time back in the studio today. But it sounded so strange without your angelic voice mixed in.

Like I said a while ago, we've had to redo our songs. So me and Seev have taken most of your parts and it just isn't the same. But I know Seev is loving having more to sing. He deserves to but I miss your voice.

I miss you.

I'll never be able to sing the parts like you did. Your voice was one in a million, I swear. But I promise you, I'll do my best with singing them. It's hard to match someone as perfect as you.

I tried to ask for an original copy of our first album and they were going to give it to me until Tom stepped in and told them not to. 

It was that moment when I thanked God for the Internet. I could listen to your voice on their. It seemed that was the only way I'd ever hear your voice again.

As soon as I got home, I watched you. I saw you, I heard you. 

''COMBINE HARVESTER.'' You shouted and I bawled my eyes out because I could never hear you be so weird again. I'd never have you screaming random things out again. Why?!

*

After a while of watching you, I thought I'd visit somewhere special. 

I went to Gloucester. I roamed the streets for a while, walking the places you once walked. I imagined you were there with me, holding my hand.

I reluctantly decided to visit your home and see your mum and sister. Karen was so pleased I'd dropped by and Jess. Well she wouldn't get off me. She clung onto that hug for dear life. And then some words flew out of her mouth which I never expected.

'''I imagined you were Nath..'' Her voice cracked as she ran upstairs crying.

Tears fell down my cheeks as soon as she said it. She imagined I was you, Nath. She wants you here, just like I do. It isn't just me who feels so empty. I'm not alone in that sense.

But don't blame yourself Nathan, it's my fault you left us. Don't feel guilty for bringing pain to us, you didn't know. I told your mum about it but she said that if I was just going to blame myself then I should leave.

So I walked straight out the door.

I don't think she meant it so harsh but I don't care. 

I then drove to the one place I could think of. To be close to you again, I visited your grave.

I sat and talked to you for a while, did you hear? You didn't answer..

Then I sang to you. I sang your favourite song and you listened to me, I could feel it. End of the road by boys to men. I guess between us, it's also the end of the road.

I wish it wasn't. I wish you were still here and that wasn't your grave I was visiting. 

I wish you were with me, Nathan. I miss you so badly and I'm not eating properly. I'll have the odd snack or meal but I just can't face it anymore.

Without you here, something is missing. 

My heart is missing.