white lips, pale face; n.s.

→ nine | the break up

eleanor rose brooks

today was the day. "i'll meet you out there at 2:05 sharp, okay? and then we'll go." noah said to me quickly before he rushed to his class so he wouldn't be late. we were going to finn's, so i could do it, break up with him. the day went by slowly, i waited and waited and waited. i tapped my pencil onto my notebook as my teacher taught us more about statistics. i had been watching the clock closely all day, but now there seven seconds left. my heart raced, i didn't know what i was feeling; excitement or nervousness, maybe both. i stood against the wall in the main hallway waiting for noah. i played over and over in my head what i thought it would be like to break up with finn. i felt my heart gradually beating faster and faster, i was scared of what would happen. my vision started to look blurry almost. my stomach hurt and my hands began to shake. my breathing became rapid, i felt like i couldn't breath. i could feel my heart pounding in my chest. everything was around me, i couldn't focus. i felt like i needed to cry. it all became more vigorous. "eleanor? eleanor!" i heard noah say with his hands on my shoulders. he looked into my eyes but his words sounded like an echo. i couldn't stop anything from happening. i was barely taking in deep breaths and i couldn't see straight. "are you okay? what's happening?" he asked. i couldn't answer, i felt as if i was frozen. "just breath, ella. follow my breathing." he said. "in...out." noah continued as i tried to mimic his breathing. "there's nothing to be afraid of, this will pass." he told me. "you know, in biology we talked about this strange animal called a kodkod, it lives in the arctic and it looks like a regular cat." he told me. "was it cute?" i managed to get out as my breathing synced with his. "absolutely adorable." he giggled. i began to calm down. my heart rate went back to normal and i felt normal again. "are you okay now?" he asked with care. i hugged him tight. i nodded as i pulled away. the hallways were empty now. "are you sure you still want to do this? because i have a feeling that he caused all this." noah asked. "i have too." i said looking into his hazel eyes. we walked down the street as i texted him.

e : can we hang out? we need to talk.

i impatiently waited for him to text me back. "you okay?" noah asked me, putting his arm around me. "yeah." i said quietly. my phone buzzed three times, that was the gesture i had set for him, finn.

f : of course

he texted as if everything was back to normal. to me, it wasn't. by now, noah and i have walked from the school on 91st to finn's apartment on 5th. they weren't far away but because of my nerves, it seemed like forever. noah took his arm off of me as i took deep breaths. we walked into the lobby of the building. the man in the lobby paged my name up to finn's room, he didn't mention noah. noah and i went into the elevator and i clicked the button for the eleventh floor. i desperately wanted to use the stairs to waste more time but i was here, in the elevator. i walked down the hallway, in front of noah, to room 1223. i know it's dirty that i brought noah with me but what else am i supposed to do? he's helped me through this. noah leaned against the wall, a little bit down the hallway. i knocked three times in a row. the door swung open. "is everything okay?" he said as i walked into his apartment. we walked to the window that over looked the park. my fingers tingled. "finn, i think we need to break up." i said looking at my feet then up at him. his face went pale as it did when we fought. i could see the emotions coming to him but his face looked like he had just gotten defeated. i swallowed. he still hadn't said anything back. "we both know that you've cheated on me multiple times. don't try to tell me i'm wrong because i know i'm right, finn. but now that we're broken up, it doesn't matter. we don't matter and nothing that was between us matters. i was just another promise that you weren't going to keep." i said. i wanted to cry my eyes out. "eleanor, everything matters." he said shakily. he looked blinded by his tears. "throughout our relationship we've both made mistakes. i used to say you made the most but now i know that it was me. it was me all along. of course what you did was horrible, lying and cheating from day one when i never ever did that to you. but it was my mistake to believe you every time you apologized time and time again. i trusted you and that was the biggest mistake i ever made." i said with my voice cracking. i stared into his eyes for a few seconds and when he said nothing, i turner and left. "eleanor!" he said as i closed the door. i stood in place and took a deep breath. noah was looking at me. i went over and hugged him as tight as i could. "proud of you." he mumbled. i wiped my tears with the sleeve of my uniforms blazer. the chapter of my life was over.